The Long Way Home
by LMELMK-1970
Summary: Sequel to Quiet Rage - Find out what happened that fateful day in the hospital when Bella's life hung in the balance. Did Edward let her slip into the next world or did he allow her to become what she always wanted to be?
1. Disclaimer

**DISCLAIMER:**

I own nothing in Stephenie Meyer's world of Twilight. Yet due to her wonderful plot lines and characters I find myself obsessed with all things Twilight. So I am humbly burrowing her characters to create a Twilight world of my own. No malice or copyright infringement is intended – it's just purely for my own enjoyment of the greatness she's created.

**WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:**

About Me: This is my second Twilight Fan Fiction. It's my hope that it will be as well received as my first. I am grateful to all of those loyal readers who take the time to leave feedback and constructive criticism. You are my life's blood.

About the Story: This story is a sequel to Quiet Rage and picks up right where it ended.  
The story centers around Bella and how she deals with her new life – good and bad.


	2. 1 As One Life Ends a New One Begins

The Long Way Home:  _As One Life Ends a New One Begins_

**Carlisle's POV – **

_~Flashback~_

_'I've changed others, during the war. I can change Bella," Jasper offered.  
'NO!' Edward snarled. 'Alice is wrong. She's had the same vision before and it didn't happen then; it's not going to happen now.'  
'Things were different that time. Bella was about to become one of us but that didn't happen because you chose it not to,' Jasper said. 'If you make that same choice now, Bella's going to die.'  
'NO!' Edward's voice held less conviction as the true gravity of the situation was beginning to sink in.  
'Son,' I said tentatively resting my hand on Edward's shoulder.  
'I can't lose her,' he said answering my silent question.  
'Then what choice do we have?'  
'What if I can't stop?'  
'You were able to before and that was before you had a taste of what a life without Bella was like. I have no doubt that you can handle this.' I watched Edward look over his shoulder at Bella lying so perfectly still on the bed behind us. 'If you can't manage,' I paused not wanting to say it aloud even though I knew he could read my thoughts.  
'No,' he stopped me. 'It has to be me. I'll do it.'  
'Edward, wait," I said quickly when he turned around to face Bella. 'Son, wait, you can't change Bella here. Not with Charlie standing right outside. You and Jasper will have to get Bella back to the house. '  
'How?' Jasper piped up.  
'Take the back stairs down to the garage. Take my car the dark windows will let you leave without anyone noticing who's in the car.'  
'What about the others?' Jasper continued.  
'I'll handle them. You both need to go. Bella doesn't have much more time. Every second counts now.'_

Pausing for a moment, I looked on as my sons slipped around the corner, Edward carrying a limp Bella in his arms. Running my hands over my face, I prepared myself for what I was about to do. I was about to walk out and tell Charlie Swan that his daughter was dead – I was about to lie.

Solemnly walking toward the waiting area I saw my family on one side of the room – Charlie, Sam and Emily on the other both waiting anxiously for news. The instant Charlie saw me he jumped to his feet with Sam and Emily close at his heels.

"How is she?" He asked me apprehensively.

Almost instantly I hung my head fearing that my gaze would give away my lies. "Carlisle?" Esme's voice called to me forcing my head up. My eyes met the disbelieving ones of my family.

"She's not?" Charlie began but couldn't finish his question.

"I'm sorry."

"What?" Sam questioned as Emily softly sobbed at his side.

"We did all that we could for her. The damage was just far too great."

"NO! NO!" Charlie shouted. "I just got her back – after all those years! She can't be gone..dead," he whispered the word that held such finality.

Sam reached to steady Charlie's shaking frame all the while cradling Emily against his side. I could see the unshed tears pooling in his dark eyes. It was hard for me to stand there knowing what I knew. That Bella was not dead – at least not in the true sense of the word. Soon she would be like the rest of my family. My family – that's when I turned and looked at them all staring back at me in various stages of disbelief.

Rosalie had her head buried in Emmett's broad chest as he stood there stroking her corn silk colored hair. The storm brewing behind his amber eyes was in stark contrast to the gentle way he held the woman that he loved.

Alice was pacing from one side of the room to the other clenching and unclenching her tiny white fists as she went. "That's not what I saw. That's not what I saw. I didn't see Bella's death! Bella wasn't supposed to die!" Alice's tone was angry.

"Oh Carlisle," Esme's small hand reached for my larger one. "She's really gone?" My wife's voice caught in her throat. "Oh my…Edward," she gasped. "Carlisle, Edward – he won't survive this!"

Pulling Esme close, I did my best to comfort her. I hated lying to her even if it was only for a short time and for good reason, I still hated it.

**Edward's POV –**

The world just outside the car window whizzed by and for just one moment I thought how much Bella would dislike going at this speed. I even almost asked Jasper to slow down but there wasn't time. Even though I didn't think it possible, her breathing seemed even more shallow than it have been when Jasper sped away from the hospital garage.

"Oh my love," I whispered lips barely touching her colorless cheek. Again I was taken aback by the coldness of her skin. It nearly matched my own. I would miss how her cheeks would blush with embarrassment. I would miss how the beat of her heart would quicken when she was excited. I would miss the heat that radiated from her skin.

"How's she doing?" Jasper asked turning his head quickly from her to me.

"Not well," I answered and instantly Jasper pressed the accelerator deeper into the floor boards.

The time it took to bring Bella from the car up to my room was only minutes but for me it felt like hours as my mind skipped through frame by frame from the first time I saw Bella until finding her lying bleeding in the home she shared with Jacob.

Gently laying Bella on the large black sofa in the middle of my room, her chocolate tresses made a fan behind her. Taking a deep breath, I stared at her trying to capture one last picture of her as a human before doing what I knew had to be done.

"Edward," Jasper's unusually anxious voice startled me. "What are you doing? Carlisle said she had very little time. If you've changed your mind – if you can't," he paused and while I didn't need him to say the next thought aloud. I let him. "I can do it for you."

"No," I replied with more of a calmness in my tone than I expected.

Kneeling next to her I once more thought about my promise to be with her forever. I gave her my word that we would be together yet when I had told her that I never once thought she would be standing at death's door at the tender age of eighteen. I shook that thought from my head.

Bella had made her intentions quite clear. She wanted to be one of us. Not only had she told me that but my family as well. How could I deny her that, especially now given the circumstances? At prom when she offered me her slender neck, telling me that she was ready to become like me, I couldn't end her life. A life that I had thought was to be full of so many things. Eyes scanning her beaten body, that wasn't meant to be. The life that I had wanted for Bella was no more.

"Edward, for god sakes she's dying!" Jasper growled at me.

Taking a deep, unnecessary breath, I brought my razor sharp teeth to the base of Bella's throat where once her pulse beat strongly – now it was so difficult to find – and sunk my teeth into her cool flesh. Instantly the sweet bouquet of her blood flowed passed my lips and onto my tongue.

The sensation I got this time was far different from that day in the ballet studio when I was struggling to save Bella from becoming like me and my family. I didn't know if I could stop that day. Bella's blood was so sweet and fragrant and I had wanted so desperately to taste it for so long. Yet at this moment all I could think about was losing Bella forever. Her dying versus becoming a vampire – that was no contest for me anymore. I knew that I couldn't live in a world that didn't include Bella as a part of it – human or vampire.

**Carlisle's POV – **

Thankfully for me Charlie was in a state of shock long enough for me to figure out how to handle his next obvious question. He wanted to see his daughter, to say good-bye. I knew that there was a real possibility that Bella was going to die and knowing that I wasn't about to allow that to happen I had already put into place a back-up plan just in case.

I shuddered at the thought of how calculated I had been, yet I knew that my family, Edward, couldn't lose Bella. That alone pushed me forward to a less than ethical place. The body shrouded in the white sheet, face covered, just a few tufts of dark brown hair peeking out from underneath was all Charlie was able to handle. He stood at the door sobbing, back pressed against the wall repeating the word 'no' over and over until Sam Uley guided him out of the room. Then it was over – but really it was just beginning.


	3. 2 Emotional Overload

The Long Way Home: _Emotional Overload_

**Carlisle's POV – **

As the large green canopy parted over my head, the site of my house and black Mercedes parked haphazardly alongside it came into view. They had made it home. I felt relief wash over me.

Taking the front stairs two at a time I stood in the foyer suddenly consumed by the quiet. Normally my home was filled with commotion and chaos – noise. Emmett was forever razzing one of his siblings or teasing Rosalie to the point of irritation; the sound of Alice's high pitched voice full of excitement carried through the vast hallways; soft tinkling as Edward stroked he black and white piano keys made subtle background music from time to time. However that wasn't the case at the moment. There was nothing but silence. It was deafening.

Running my cool hand over my equally cool face, I let out a heavy sigh as the magnitude of my actions weighed heavy on me. I had changed others under very similar circumstances – all were near death, yet none of them had family and friends I had to face and tell them of their so called passing. Charlie's pained expression was etched in my memory. The agony that exuded from him over Bella's _'death'_ was palpable. Yet I knew there was no other way – changed or not I would have been giving those that loved Bella the same news. She was gone. I tried to use that rationale to escape my guilt however I wasn't having much success.

Shaking off the culpability I felt, I set off to find Edward and Jasper. Pushing open the partially closed door to my study, I found the room empty. It was then that I realized that Edward would have automatically taken Bella to his room, a room where she and he felt the most comfortable. Turning on my heel, I bounded up the staircase snaking my way through the long hallway to Edward's door. I hesitated for only a moment before entering. The sight of Edward pulling away from Bella's neck met my eyes.

"It's done," he said to me before dropping to his knees.

**Alice's POV –**

Starring out the window on what seemed to be an agonizingly long car ride home, the exasperation of my failed _'gift'_ was all consuming. Where Bella was concerned it was turning out to be completely useless – and that made me furious. What good was it if I couldn't use it to help those that I loved the most?

Glancing out of the corner of my eye, I saw Esme sitting stoic beside me. She was looking straight ahead and if she had been able to cry I knew there would be tears streaming down her alabaster cheeks. We all would have been in some stage of crying, even Rosalie who was curled against Emmett in the front seat as he drove us home.

Reaching across the seat, I took Esme's hand in mine. As much as my own anger was eating me up inside, I needed to put that in its proper place. None of us knew what we would find when we arrived home – how Edward would be dealing with the loss of Bella or if he'd even be there at all. That thought ripped through my heart. Not only was Bella gone but for all intents and purpose so was Edward.

I thought about how I would react if I were to lose Jasper. How would I handle such devastation? Would I even want to exist without the person who made me whole – made me better? Bella was as much a part of Edward as Jasper was of me. They were puzzle pieces that one without the other left a vital section of the design incomplete.

"We need to rally around Edward," Esme's spoke softly. "He's going to need all of us to get through this."

"He shouldn't have to," I said. "Bella wasn't supposed to die. I saw her becoming one of us!" I tried to hold my anger at bay but it spilled passed my lips just the same.

"I know," she patted my hand trying to calm the storm that raged within me. "But you know better than any of us the future is subjective. It can change and some things, Alice, are just out of our hands." I nodded in agreement. She was right but that didn't matter much to me right now. Bella was gone and if Edward wasn't already he soon would be.

Emmett easily guided the car into its spot in the garage and once the engine was silenced the four of us sat quietly not knowing what to do next.

"What am I supposed to say to him?" Rosalie was the first one to finally speak even though she stayed pressed against Emmett's side. "It's not like he's going to believe me if I say I'm sorry. He knows how I felt about Bella and his attachment to her."

I wasn't sure what to make of Rose's tone. It didn't have the bite it normally did but at the same time it wasn't exactly filled with remorse for how she had treated Bella.

"You didn't want her to die though," Emmett countered to the woman he loved.

"Rosalie," Esme reached forward and placed her hand on her daughter's shoulder. "we can't change the past. All we have is what's ahead of us. Be the sister you have always been to Edward and it will all work itself out."

"You don't really believe that do you?" I turned to her and questioned. "It's not going to work itself out. Bella's dead and no matter if we want to face it or not Edward soon will be too if he's not already!"

"Alice," Esme gasped back at me.

"WHAT!? It's true and we all know it. Edward won't survive losing Bella again. I wouldn't want to live without Jasper. Would you want to exist in a world without Carlisle?" I asked pointedly. "I didn't think so," I said when Esme hesitated in answering me.

"I wouldn't want to live without you," Emmett said kissing the top of Rosalie's golden tresses. "So I understand. I don't like it but I get where Edward's coming from."

"So you are saying you are okay with your brother ceasing to exist?" Esme's voice held such contempt.

"No, all I am saying is I get it. And we all know that we won't be able to stop him

I closed my eyes and let Emmett's words sink in. He was right. There would be no stopping Edward. He would do what he had to do deal with Bella's death and we as a family would be left to pick up those pieces as well.

Slowly each of us made our way to the expansive front porch that wrapped around the house, our eyes toggling between one another as though we were urging the other to make the first move. Finally I made the first steps toward the door trying to ready myself for the inevitable – Edward's absence.

Moments after stepping across the threshold I stopped short when Bella's scent hit me. If it hadn't been for the fact that it had been over year since Bella had been in our house I would have attributed the smell to the way human scents had a way of lingering. Breathing in deeply, I concentrated on the scent. It was most definitely Bella yet something about it was different – off.

Without thinking I rushed through the foyer, up the stairs and straight to Edward's room throwing open the door. "BELLA!" I shouted as the site of her prone body assaulted my eyes.

**Carlisle's POV –**

I whipped my head around as soon as I heard Alice's voice. There she stood wide eyed starring at Bella her expression a mixture of shock and joy. If she was home that meant that the rest of my family was there as well, an explanation was definitely in order. However, I knew I couldn't leave Bella not as the transformation was just beginning.

Alice came deeper into the room standing alongside Jasper. I saw her instantly reach for his hand. "She's one of us now," she said her tone questioning.

"Yes." I heard Jasper confirm.

I saw how the slight squeal that left Alice's lips caused Edward to shiver. "Are the others home as well?" I asked.

"Yes," Alice answered me without once taking her eyes off of Bella.

"Jasper," I said turning to face him. "I can't leave Bella right now. Would you please explain to the family what's happening?"

"Of course."

That said Jasper led Alice from the room. I heard her excited voice as the pair descended the stairs thrilled that Bella wasn't dead – that she would be part of their family always.

"Carlisle," Edward's weary voice pulled me back to the task before me – making Bella's transformation as painless as possible. I pulled over my black bag and quickly opening bringing forth a vial of morphine and a syringe just as Bella's body began to stiffen. I imagined that the feeling of being burned alive was starting to set in.

"It's going to be fine, son," I told him yet I wasn't exactly sure that he believed me by the pained expression he wore.

"Help her," was all he said to me.

"I'll do what I can to lessen the pain but I won't be able to take it all away." I needed him to be prepared for what was to come.

Pulling back the syringe it filled with the crystal clear pain killer – enough actually to put down a rather large horse – then holding Bella's arm with one hand, I pricked her already hardening skin with the other.

Dropping the needle to the floor, I sat across from Edward as he and I watched and waited for the transformation to run its course.

**Jasper's POV – **

I felt Alice's hand trembling in mine as we walked down the stairs. The excitement that exuded from her was something of a magnum force. I did what I could to rein that in but she was fighting against me. Alice wanted to feel the exhilaration that Bella's becoming one of us filled her with.

"She's here!"

Alice spouted before I was able to say a single word. It was times like this that I envied Edward's gift. At least I would have been able to speak first – if I had been able to hear what she was thinking.

"What?" Esme said puzzled.

"Who's here?" Emmett joined in with the same confused tone.

"Bella – she's here. She's upstairs in Edward's room!" Alice nearly shrieked.

"Please tell me he didn't bring her dead body here," Rosalie said sounding completely appalled.

"She's not dead….."

"She's alive, but Carlisle," Esme cut Alice off mid-sentence only to have Alice do the same.

"She's one of us!"

"WHAT!?!" I heard the three say nearly in unison.

"If you'll all have a seat I will do my best to explain," I finally said when there was a break in the discussion.

I purposely waited a few minutes before beginning my explanation allowing the others to calm as their varying emotions were starting to overwhelm me as much as the news of Bella's change had them.

"Jasper, what's going on?" Esme was the first to speak to me. "Carlisle told us all that Bella was gone. He took her father to see her body." I could tell by the way the matriarch of our family spoke she was confused by the thought that the man she shared her life with had lied to her.

"I know," I agreed with her. "But he didn't have much of a choice. Bella indeed was close to death. If Edward hadn't finally agreed to change her, the falsehood that Carlisle propagated would have been the truth."

"So what, Edward just changed her right there in the hospital?" Emmett asked.

"Of course not!" I stared at my brother thinking what an oaf he could be at times. "We took Carlisle's car and brought Bella back to the house. We took her to Edward's room. That's where she is now."

"She's really like us?" Rosalie questioned me.

"She will be soon." I confirmed.

"Damn, he really did it!" Emmett announced sounding rather amazed that Edward had gone through with it.

"It was a struggle on his part," I added. "He was torn. I'm still not sure he thinks he made the right choice."

"Of course it was the right choice!" Alice announced incredulously. "Bella's always been meant to be one of us."

"I still don't understand," Esme stated. "Carlisle took Charlie to see Bella's body. How could that be? Who did Carlisle show him, some random corpse? I could tell that Esme was still stuck on her husband's fabrication.

"That's something you will have to ask him," I told her. "I have a feeling that Carlisle had a few things in place just in case. I would imagine he knew just how badly Bella was injured and that our changing her into a vampire was a distinct possibility, so he took the necessary steps to ensure that he had all of his bases covered."

"No one is _meant_ to be what we are," Rose said softly replying to Alice's last remark as if Esme and I hadn't even been speaking. "What if she this isn't what she would have wanted?"

I knew, like everyone else in the room, Rosalie was speaking for herself at the moment. She would have taken death over what she was now. I often wondered how Carlisle dealt with her sometimes hostile attitude. At the time Carlisle had done what he thought was right and for him I knew that the choice of leaving Rosalie to die in the street or to change her – wasn't really a choice to him at all.

"You know as well as anyone in this room Bella's always wanted this. She wants to be with Edward forever!" I heard Alice state her rebuttal.

"Rosie," Emmett came forward wrapping his arms around Rosalie's waist. "Come on, Bella always wanted this. It's different for her."

"Still, her choice was taken from her."

"There was no choice!" Alice jumped back in. "It was that or lose Bella forever!"

"And what if that's the way it was meant to be?" Rosalie countered.

"What do you have against Bella? She loves Edward. She makes him happy. Why don't you want her to be part of our family?" I heard Alice ask pointedly

The two of them continued to banter back and forth with Esme and Emmett trying on occasion to interject their own thoughts and take on it all. I knew I should have stayed in the room and tried to defuse the ensuing argument but I couldn't. I didn't want to feel the opposition between them so I exited the living room for the coolness of the spring night air.

**Edward's POV –**

Bella's continuous low moan from across the room began to gnaw at me. I was at war with myself desperately wanting to be beside her yet unable to get my feet to comply with my brain's request.

I trained my eyes on each and every move that Carlisle made in attempt to make Bella as comfortable as possible. However it was easy to see that that was hardly working. Bella's body twitched and writhed as the venom, my venom, coursed through her body. Suddenly the fact that I was the cause of Bella's agony hit me like a ton of bricks.

It seemed as though since meeting me Bella's life had been full of so much pain at my expense. First there was James who tortured her all in the name of getting to me. Then there was a simple paper cut that brought about massive chaos on her eighteenth birthday. That fateful night was a turning point for me – the point that where I thought that leaving Bella was for the best that by doing that it would allow her to have a normal human life without the dangers that being a part of my world would bring. Yet somehow that wasn't what happened at all. Instead Bella found herself smack in the middle of a wolf pack married to a monster that beat and terrorized her all because of her ties to me.

Pressing my back against the wall, I felt like a trapped animal willing to gnaw my own limb off as means of escape. But it was Bella's blood curdling scream that that brought me to my knees. "Carlisle." The sound of my own voice was foreign to me. It was a mixture of fear and anguish. "Please, please help her. Give her more," I said motioning to the vial that sat patiently on the table next to Carlisle

"I've already given her more than I think I should," he told me. "I'm not sure how her body will react to so much morphine. It's not like when I tried this with Emmett. His body mass is three times that of Bella's. I need to be cautious."

Again Bella's cries echoed through my room and instantly I felt myself cringe. I understood my father's hesitation yet I didn't want to think about the burning that I knew Bella had to be feeling. That was the one thing from my own transformation that was still clear in my memory. It was a horrific sensation that that there was no way of escaping from. It was all consuming.

"It might help if you came closer," Carlisle suggested to me. "The connection between the two of you is so strong it could help her."

Walking myself against the wall until I was again standing upright, I nodded and tentatively made my way across the room to where my love was laying convulsing in pain. Closing my eyes and clenching my jaw, I reached out and gently stroked Bella's arm. Her skin was already smooth and as hard as stone.

"I love you," I whispered yet before those three words fell past my lips Bella shrieked and shuddered as another wave of pain racked her body. "I can't," I stuttered, "I can't do this!" Turning tail, I hastily exited the room before Carlisle could solicit me to stay.

Standing in the hallway just outside my door, I felt rooted in place. I couldn't will myself to truly leave but remaining inside the confines of my room wasn't an option for me either. So there I stood in some sort of suspended animation cringing with each and every cry I heard expelled from Bella's lips.

Again I found myself with my back pressed against the wall. My mind focused on Bella's reaction to what I had done. Would she regret becoming a monster or worse yet would she resent me for changing her without her true consent?


	4. 3 Where To Go From Here

The Long Way Home: _Where To Go From Here_

**Carlisle's POV –**

Eyes scanning Bella's finally peaceful body, I felt relief wash over me. For some reason this transformation had been harder for me than any of the others that I had been a part of. Perhaps that was because of Edward's reaction to it and the distance he had chosen to keep from Bella throughout it all.

It amazed me how much things had changed in just three short days. Bella nearly died, I faked her death and now there she laid – one of us. I looked at the clock that sat next to the large black leather sofa in just a few hours Charlie would be laying his daughter to rest, or at least a person he thought to be his daughter. I tried not to focus on that but rather the fact that I did what needed to be done.

I was certain if we hadn't intervened Charlie would still be attending a funeral. For all intents and purposes Bella had died that day – in the sense that her mortal life was over. I shook my head though still unable to rid myself of the shame I carried for choosing to fulfill my own family's wants over the oath I took eons ago.

"How is she?"

Edward's soft voice startled me. This was the first time he had even dared to enter his own room in days. I was beginning to worry about his volatile reaction to Bella's transformation. "She's resting comfortably. The transformation is finally complete," I answered. "You can come closer," I said motioning him deeper into the room.

An odd sensation ran through me as I watched him hesitantly come forward, almost as if he was afraid. This wasn't the Edward I knew. That Edward was confident and carried himself as such. "Here, sit." Quickly getting up I offered him my seat next to Bella.

Stepping back, I kept my eyes trained on my son. Edward positioned himself in my vacant chair hands folded in his lap. I resisted the urge to reach out and shake some sense into him. I had never wanted Edward's gift of reading other people's thoughts – until right now that is. I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking, feeling. He looked so awkward sitting there alongside Bella. Again as if he was afraid.

"She should be waking up soon," I offered hoping that somehow it was just her complete stillness that provoked this odd reaction from him.

"Good," he returned quickly yet remained in his statuesque position.

I was well aware of Edward's protective nature when it came to anything having to do with Bella. She was his life and we all knew it. I attributed his inability to be in the room with her during the height of the transformation that he couldn't help her and for Edward seeing her in any kind of pain was more than he could bare. Yet watching him now, his almost aloof behavior worried me beyond words.

Where was the Edward whose love for Bella was self evident? Normally he exuded his affections for her. Had her change from mortal to immortal somehow changed his love for her? I didn't want to think that yet his actions or inactions spoke volumes from where I stood.

Should I have allowed her to perish? Had I been wrong in thinking that Bella's death would have been the end of Edward?

"How is she?"

Esme stepped over the threshold of Edward's room. I hadn't seen my wife since the afternoon that I indicated to everyone that Bella had died from her injuries. I could see by Esme's distant reaction to me that she was disappointed in me.

"The transformation is complete. I gave her quite a bit of morphine. I believe that's what's causing the length of time it's taking for her to wake up."

Esme crossed the room and stood behind Edward resting her delicate hands on his shoulders. Suddenly I longed for her touch as well. In the many years she and I had been together there never once had been a time when I felt such disapproval from her.

"Esme," I said faintly trying to gauge her reaction.

"Yes, Carlisle," she returned with a velvet tone that carried an underlying shortness.

"I'd like to speak to you…explain," I hesitated struggling for the right words.

"I imagine that you would." Again I heard the shortness in her tone.

"We'll be in my study if you need anything," I turned to Edward who still sat stoically next to Bella having yet to touch her.

Placing my hand on the small of Esme's back, I led her from the room. We weren't half way down the staircase before I heard Edward call out Alice's name to come and sit with Bella. Letting out a heavy sigh, I hung my head as we continued on our way.

**Alice's POV –**

My head shot up when I heard Edward calling for me. Bella couldn't have been awake already. My visions told me it would be soon but not yet. I felt Jasper squeeze my hand and nod as I stood making my way to the staircase. I gave him a weak smile before disappearing up the steps.

"Edward," I said softly, entering his room.

"Please, stay with her."

"Edward?" This time my tone was questioning. "What's wrong?"

"Stay with her," he said with more force.

"She's going to wake up soon. Don't you want…."

"Stay with her," he repeated powerfully.

"I don't understand…."

"Please, Alice." Edward's voice softened and sounded almost like a strangled cry that I couldn't refuse him.

"Where will you be?" I asked. "When she wakes up she's going to want to see you," I said even though I knew I was stating the obvious.

"I don't know," he stammered slightly and before I could say anymore he was gone.

I found myself standing there staring with what I was sure was a bewildered expression at the vacant spot where Edward just stood. His actions made no sense to me. This is what was meant to happen. Bella was always supposed to become one of us. I couldn't believe that Edward would have rather had her die than become like us. Yet his actions suddenly had me thinking he regretted the decision to change her.

It was hard for me not to follow him and get to the bottom of his actions. I had to understand what was going through his mind. However, I looked over my shoulder at Bella and knew I couldn't leave the room, not now. The last thing any of us wanted, especially Edward, was for her to wake up alone and frightened.

Pushing the chair aside, I sat on the edge of the bed and began stroking Bella's chestnut hair. She was beautiful – not that she hadn't been before the transformation – but now her beauty was merely intensified. Her once alabaster skin now shone like a delicate white porcelain doll. I wondered if she would finally see herself the way the rest of the world saw her – as a beautiful, breathtaking girl. Probably not, I thought to myself. "But you are," I said aloud. "You are gorgeous and not just because you are now one of us. You always were and the fact that you couldn't see just made you all the more so."

But the rest of the student body had – especially the male population – I thought with a smile. Mike, Eric, Tyler tripping over themselves to get close to her all the while Bella only had eyes for Edward and he for her – much to his dismay. It was hard to believe that he thought escaping to Denali would rid himself of his desires for Isabella Swan. He fought so hard against his yearnings for such a long time and Bella pushed so hard to get close to him.

"He loves you so much, but you know how Edward is, self loathing and all," I said to Bella's still form. I wondered if she could sense Edward's absence. "It's taking him a while to adjust to this all. But I don't have to tell you about Edward," I stressed with a slight smile. "You know him better than any of us, even me," I laughed. "Until you came along, I didn't think Edward was ever going find happiness. And that he did. He is happy with you Bella. No matter what he struggles with you are his world, his life," I said somehow trying to make up for his missing presence.

Stroking Bella's hand gently, I thought back to the first time that she could have become one of us. That day in the ballet studio after James had bitten her, I saw Bella as one of us. Yet Edward would have none of it. He didn't want Bella to live out an eternal existence as the monster he saw himself as so he stopped the inevitable from happening. He changed fate, but had he really I thought because there I sat next to Bella who was now one of us just as I had predicted.

I wasn't sure if that's what Edward was struggling with, that Bella was now a vampire, or if it had more to do with all that she had gone through between the first time she could have been changed until the time she had been. I had to wonder if Edward's guilt had more to do with that than actually being part of Bella's transformation.

It was easy to read his expression. He felt completely and totally responsible for all that had been set in motion the day he fled Bella's life. If he just allowed the change to happen that first time Bella wouldn't have been subjected to the likes of the Jacob Black and his abuse. I imagined that the typical loathing Edward experienced had multiplied a hundred times over now.

"You two will work through this. I know you will," I said assuredly. "It's going to take time but we all here for you, Bella." Again I softly stroked her russet colored locks.

"Alice," Bella's hoarse voice startled me.

I looked down to see crimson eyes looking back at me. "Bella," I shrieked.

**Esme's POV –**

My mind was still swimming from it all. One minute Bella's dead and then the next Jasper's telling us all that she's not – that's she's begun the transformation that will make her one of us. Even though I had had several days to digest it still was so surreal.

I thought about Chief Swan and could still see his face as he exited Bella's hospital room. The ghostly expression he wore and the tears that dampened his cheeks. While I knew he could never know our secret the parent in me wanted him to know – to know that Bella was going to be fine – that we would take care of his little girl as though she was our own – because she now was.

My eyes gazed upward as the clock overhead struck noon. I imagined that the town of Forks was gathered at the cemetery as Bella was laid to rest that afternoon. My own memories of losing a child had dulled yet there was still a misplaced ache in my heart for the child I lost. I was sure that Charlie Swan would carry that same ache for his daughter until the day he left this earth.

"Esme." I heard Carlisle's soft voice as he laced his fingers through mine. Easily I gave his hand a gentle squeeze when I turned to face him. My exasperation at how he had handled things had lessened as the days passed. I knew the heart of the man I loved. Even if in the heat of the moment I hadn't been able to wrap my mind around the fact that Carlisle had been less than truthful with us all – it had to be done.

"Yes?" I finally answered him.

"Can you ever forgive me? I am so sorry that even for a moment I allowed you, the family, to grieve for Bella, but I didn't have another choice. There wasn't another way."

"Shhhh," I said softly caressing his cheek. "I can't say that for an instant that I wasn't hurt and disappointed," I confessed. "But you did what needed to be done. It was just hard imagining a world without Bella in it and then to all of the sudden be hit with that she wasn't truly gone but on her way to becoming one of our family – well," I sighed. "It was a lot to digest."

"I know, but I am still so very sorry that I hurt you. She was dying though. I knew there was only one way to stop that, but what I didn't know was if Edward would agree. So, I put in place the necessary steps if it should. I went against everything I believe in as a physician. I passed off another body as Bella. Charlie Swan isn't burying his little girl right now but merely some Jane Doe."

The angst in my husband's tone tore at my heart. He was filled with so much guilt. "You did what you knew Bella would want. You knew what her death would have done to Edward," I said confidently as he gave me a weak smile.

"Always my champion, aren't you?" he asked me.

"Always," I agreed "You did what was best for our family, for Bella and especially for Edward."

"What troubles me is how he's adjusting to her transformation, or rather not adjusting," I heard Carlisle say with a sigh.

Pulling back our pair of amber eyes met. "What do you mean, not adjusting?"

"He's not reacting the way I expected him to. You know every well how protective Edward is of Bella. How he could barely let her out of his sight, yet now it's like he can barely be next her. I am worried, Esme. I am worried that perhaps now that Bella is a vampire Edward is….."

I knew where he was going with his words and I stopped him before they could leave his mouth. Almost thinking that if he gave them life then it was like allowing them to be true. "Edward loves Bella. He couldn't lose her." I was sure of that. I had seen with my own eyes how losing Bella before had affected my son.

"He couldn't stand to lose the 'human' Bella," Carlisle said to me pointedly. "What if we changed her brought her into this life and it was for nothing?"

"She wanted to be one of us." I returned.

"She wanted that when she thought that would give her an eternal life with Edward. But if that's not what she gets would she have thought differently about it all?"

A chill run down my already icy frame as I thought about being in this life without Carlisle by my side. Would I have wanted it? Would I have traded it willing rather than the death that I had sought that fateful day? I knew the answer and that frightened me. I wouldn't want this, eternal life, without Carlisle by my side. And deep down me knew emphatically that Bella wouldn't either, not without Edward. "He just needs time," I said. "So much has happened. He has to have time to process it all."

"I hope your right." Carlisle said to me.

I hoped I was too.

"Bella should be waking up soon. We need to discuss what we are going to do next. Where is the rest of the family?" he asked me.

"In the living room."

"We should go talk with them," Carlisle said as he reached for my hand.

**Carlisle's POV –**

Esme and I entered the living room and found our children in various corners of the room all deep in thought from the looks on their faces.

"Where's Edward?" I heard Esme ask. Indeed our youngest son was nowhere to be found. My heart sank.

"With Bella," Emmett said in a matter of fact tone as though I asked the dumbest question he had ever heard. Yet when my eyes traveled to Jasper he could only nod, he could feel Edward's trepidation and that was all the confirmation I needed when it came to my fears.

I shook off thoughts of Edward and how he was or wasn't handling Bella's transformation and addressed the matter at hand – what we were going to do now – now that she was one of us. As much as I knew we couldn't stay in Forks, I also understood that our family couldn't just up and vanish again, not even under these circumstances, without drawing some rather heavy suspicion. "We need to discuss where we go from here," I said finally. "Edward is going to need assistance with Bella as she adjusts to the transition into her new life."

"He'll have all of us," Emmett said again with that same dumbfounded tone as before, looking at me as though I was crazy.

"I wish that were the case," I countered. "We need to be realistic. We just moved back to town not more than a few months ago. There's no way we can all just disappear again."

"Carlisle."

Esme's anguished tone pierced my ears. I didn't have to be able to read her thoughts to know what she was thinking. The idea of not being with Edward and Bella was one she couldn't wrap her mind around no matter how logical.

"I know," I said softly reaching for her slender hand. "But we have to stay."

"How will he manage?" she asked.

"Alice and I can go with Edward and Bella," Jasper offered from behind me. "I have extensive experience with newborns. I can assist Edward with what needs to be taken care of."

Alice and Jasper would be the most appropriate choice to accompany Edward and help Bella adjust to her new life. Alice had always seen Bella as one of us and she loved her like a sister. I knew in my heart that she would do what she could to ease Bella into our world. And Jasper's unique gift would come in handy in keeping Bella calm as she fought off her urge for human blood. "I think that is a wonderful suggestion," I agreed.

"What about us?" Emmett piped in not wanting to be left out I was sure. "We're supposed to be in college anyhow, so it won't matter if Rosalie and I are gone. It wouldn't draw attention to the family."

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I worry that Bella will be overwhelmed as it is. I think that for the moment Alice and Jasper are a better fit for what is needed." I didn't enjoy upsetting Emmett this way but I knew deep down that his bull in a china shop tendencies and Rosalie's less than loving attitude towards Bella weren't things anyone needed at the moment. Not to mention adding Edward's current actions and behaviors to the mix, it just didn't make sense to complicate Bella's world anymore with the addition of Rosalie and Emmett.

"What are we supposed to do then? Just sit around here?" I could hear the disgust in his tone. "If we aren't going to go with Bella, I'm NOT staying here. There are better ways I can use my time – like finding Jacob Black. If he thinks he can hide forever – I don't think so!"

I was finally seeing the rage and fury that Emmett had been suppressing since that afternoon in the Emergency Room waiting area when Sam Uley told Charlie that Jacob had taken off. All of us, including myself, wanted to exact retribution for Bella but right then and there it wasn't the time or place.

"I think Emmett's right. It's time Jacob pays for what he's done. It's time that justice for Bella was served." There was ice in Rosalie's voice and a blank stare crossed her flawless features. I couldn't help but wonder if this need to exact revenge against Jacob had less to do with Bella and more to do with what had happened to her all those years ago.

I felt Esme squeeze my hand and again I could read her mind. The last thing she wanted was for any member of her family to get hurt. And there was a good chance that that could happen if Emmett and Rosalie set out to track Jacob.

"I don't know about that," Esme responded.

"You mean to say that you don't think that dog deserves to be wiped from the face of the earth for what he did to Bella?" Rosalie's voice grew harsh as she spoke. "That he should get away with what he did to her?"

"No," my wife's voice was full of anguish. "I just want all of my family to be safe. And chasing after a werewolf is anything but that!"

"He won't stand a chance!" Emmett growled in anticipation.

"Carlisle," I heard Esme's voice imploring me to do or say something to put a stop to the inevitable, yet I couldn't – not in good conscious. I agreed with both of them. Jacob Black shouldn't be allowed to get away with what he had done. He deserved all that Emmett and Rosalie would do to him and then some, if they could find him.

"Esme, it will be fine." I patted her delicate hand lightly. I understood her fears as they were well founded but still I wasn't about to do anything to stop any of it.

"You are condoning this?" she countered flabbergasted.

"Emmett and Rosalie are quite able to make their own decision in the matter. And I am sure they are well aware of the dangers that they could potentially face."

"Carlisle," Esme echoed once more. "Please," she begged me.

I brought her frosty hand to my lips kissing it softly. "Everything will be fine," I assured her even though I was sure she was less than convinced. "So it's settled, Alice and Jasper will go with Edward, Emmett and Rose will head out in search of Jacob while you and I," turning to look at Esme, "will remain here."

"Should we head to Denali?" Jasper asked me. "Tanya and her family might be of some assistance."

"I don't know if that's the best place," I said thinking that bringing a newborn even Bella, Edward's love, to Denali was asking a great deal of Tanya and her sisters. "Canada has some very remote wilderness and a large supply of wildlife. I think that for the time being that could be the best place for Bella to learn our way of life."

"When should we leave?" Jasper questioned me again.

"As soon as Bella is able to travel, I am hoping that she will wake up shortly. She's going to need to hunt….."

"Do you think having her hunt around here is wise?" Esme asked.

"We might not have a choice. She's going to need to and I don't know if she will be able to wait until they reach Canada."

"We can all go with her on her first hunt. There is safety in numbers," Rosalie offered.

"So it's settled. We will first hunt as a family. Alice and Jasper will accompany Edward and Bella to Canada and Emmett and Rose will head out on their own," I announced.

"Don't I get a say in my own life?" Bella's voice startled me as I turned to see her standing in the doorway next to Alice.


	5. 4 Period of Adjustment

The Long Way Home:_ Period of Adjustment_

**Bella's POV –**

The intense pain and fierce burning that filled every inch of my body had subsided a while ago yet I still felt as though my head was in a fog and as if I was pinned down. Both were unnerving sensations and ones that suddenly had been amplified to a degree I had never experienced before.

I wasn't quite sure where I was. I knew that Carlisle's voice was one that I had recognized from time to time however it seemed so far off in the distance I could certainly had imagined it or better yet dreamt it. But it was the tinkling sound of Alice's bubbly voice that picked at my ears now. She was saying something about me being beautiful now, but that I always had been. There was a mention of Edward and how I knew him better than anyone. I was frustrated not being able to discern what was real and what was a dream. Then again hadn't my whole life been some odd dream since arriving in Forks? In this place fairy tales weren't mere stories made up to entertain children but indeed they were real and full of truths.

I felt a gentle touch which I assumed was Alice yet something was off. The icy feeling typically associate with any member of the Cullen family was void instead all I could feel was the touch. Not a differentiating distinction between my skin and that of the person that was stroking me. Once more I was filled with an unnerving feeling.

I struggled against the heaviness that kept my lids closed. I wanted desperately to open them and get a better sense of what was going on around me. Again Alice's sweet voice was melodious in my ear, telling me that everything was going to be fine; that we would make it through this. Make it through what I wanted to scream?

I felt trapped in my own body and suddenly a sense of fear overtook me as random memories began assaulting me. There were flashes of Jacob intertwined with James each toggling between one another with some strobe light effect and even in my confused state of mind it was dizzying.

I did my best to focus on Alice's voice yet each and every sound assaulted me as if I were standing in the middle of a construction zone. Everything sounded so overpowering even the simple noise of what I recognized as a ticking clock was amplified to the umpteenth degree. My mind swirled with so many things none of which I could verbalize. I wanted to scream!

All of the sudden it was like the restraints holding my lids shut had been lifted and the gag that had my mouth bound were gone. "Alice," I heard myself say yet the sound of my own voice was foreign to me. It held a similar velvet tone I always associated with the Cullen family. Again I found myself unnerved. "Alice," I spoke for a second time.

"BELLA!" Alice's voice suddenly sounded like a shriek to my overly sensitive ears. What was going on with me, I thought absently. "You're awake."

"What's going on?" I asked her pushing my body to an upright position. Gazing around the room I knew exactly where I was, Edward's bedroom, yet it was different. Not different in what I saw but in the way I saw things. The CD's lined up neatly on the shelves across the room would have normally been just a mass of colored cases words indiscernible to my eyes but now I was able to read every single title. I heard the gasp that escaped my lips.

"Bella?"

There was trepidation in her tone and once more felt her stroking my arm again the chill that I automatically felt was void all that was there was her touch. "Debussy…Nat King Cole…Dizzy Gillespie…Le Mes…" I said reading the titles on but a mere few of Edward's massive CD collection. "I can read all of them." I heard the disbelief in my voice.

"I would imagine you can," Alice agreed with me.

She moved aside as I swung my legs to the side of the black leather sofa. The moment my bare feet touched the floor I expected the coldness of the white marble tile to penetrate my body, but again there was only the sensation of them touching the hard surface. 'What's going on,' I thought once more.

Padding around the perimeter of the room each step I took echoed loudly in my head sounding as if I was hitting a gong rather than merely walking. I felt my hands begin to tremble as my emotions bubbled up from below. To say I was feeling overwhelmed was a severe understatement.

A tattered copy of _Weathering Heights_ sitting on the desk that flanked the large bank of windows at the end of the room readily caught my attention. "How can I even read that?" I said under my breath. Normally I would have barely noticed that book let alone been able to read its title. "What is going on!" The exasperation in my voice brought Alice forward.

"Bella," she said again reaching for my shoulder. Instantly I shrugged her hand away not wanting to again feel a touch that no longer felt like the Alice I knew.

As if drawn by a force beyond my control, I headed straight to where the book sat. As I picked it up, I recognized my own handwriting. This was the book I had given to Edward scribbling something on the inside cover about how one day he would love this book as much as I did. Looking now at the worn cover and dog eared pages, I vaguely wondered if that had come true.

As I dropped the book back to its resting place on the desk it made a resounding thud that reverberated in my ears. I reached for the desk squeezing it tightly between my fingers as I shook my head in the hopes of forcing the thudding sound to stop. Before I knew what was happening my fingers sunk into the hard wooden top leaving an impression of them behind when I lifted them. I felt my eyes widen at the sight. "Alice," I whispered but before I could turn around to face her she was by my side.

"It's going to be okay," she said softly in my ear.

With thoughts swimming, for a second time I reached for the desk, yet this time an errant ray of sunshine passed through the wall of glass. It was as though diamonds were imbedded in my skin. I immediately shoved my other hand into that beam of light only to see the same effect. This is when I should have felt my heart rate quicken – but nothing which only heightened my panic.

"Do you want to sit?" Alice asked me.

I could do nothing more than shake my head as I ran my brilliant sparkling hand across my arm. My skin felt different – smooth like glass and as hard as granite. The fog in my head was finally lifting as I processed the little clues I was able to wrap my mind around. Yet it wasn't until I turned and saw my reflection in the far off mirror that it all came into focus. It was my crimson, blood red eyes, which sealed it for me. I was a vampire.

"Bella, Bella," Alice forced me to look at her finally.

"How? Who? When?" All those words had further questions to them but I wasn't able to verbalize any of it. All I found myself doing was continually looking at the reflection of myself – flowing chestnut hair framing my smooth ghostly white face with flaming red eyes.

"I'll get Carlisle."

"No!" I reached for her holding her arm with a grip that I didn't know I possessed and up until now I hadn't. "Don't leave," I said suddenly feeling like a frightened child.

Alice complied with my request and gently led me back to the sofa in the middle of Edward's room. "I know it's a great deal to take in and it's going to take some time," she hesitated, "but we will help you," she stressed. "Do you remember anything?"

I knew from what Edward and the others had told me that human memories would fade but right now mine were very vivid. I half expected my eyes to grow damp as the images of Jacob's beatings assaulted me, but those tears never came nor would they again – vampires couldn't cry. "Jacob," was all I could choke out.

"Yes." Alice agreed.

"He hurt me." That was an understatement of huge proportion but it was all I was able to eke out.

"Is that all you remember?"

I couldn't answer her. I indeed remembered it all. Each and every time Jacob's fists connected with my body was etched in my memory. I was thankful that one day none of those recollections would plague me.

"Edward found you," she began. "I had seen that you had finally decided to be with Edward but then you vanished from mind's eye. It was then that Edward read my thoughts and he knew I thought it had been Jacob all along. It was the only thing that made sense as to why I wasn't able to see the bad things that had been happening to you."

There was anguish in her voice and I knew that she felt guilty for not being able to prevent what had happened to me and I should have comforted her telling her that it hadn't been her fault but mine for ever thinking that I could substitute one man for another. However at the moment I couldn't bring myself to say a word. I was caught up in reliving that fateful day in my head.

"Your injuries were too severe. Carlisle did all he could but there wasn't much hope of saving you – at least not for your mortal life. So after some discussion Edward agreed there was no other way but to change you. He and Jasper brought you here……"

Alice was still talking to me but I had stopped listening all I could concentrate on was the part that Edward had to be convinced to change me. He was going to let me die. I felt my hands tighten in my lap and where my once beating heart had been felt constricted. I didn't understand. How could he have not wanted to change me? How could he have wanted me to die?

"Bella?"

I saw the concern flash across Alice's face but I didn't allow her to ask me a thing. "Edward, where is he?" I finally realized that he wasn't there by my side. That idea only sharpened my fear and panic.

"He asked me to stay with you," she announced.

"Where did he go?"

With hesitation in her tone she finally any answered, "I don't know."

Standing up I made my way to the door and headed for the staircase. I could instantly hear the voices of all of the Cullens as if I was standing in the room with them rather than being nearly three flights away. They were all discussing what to do now that I had been changed. There was mention of Denali, who would go with me, something about Canada however through all the voices none that I heard belonged to Edward.

Storming down the stairs without a single falter in my gait I entered the living room to many astonished glances. "Don't I get a say in my own life?" I spouted.

"Bella." Carlisle hastily made his way to where I stood alongside of Alice. "How are you feeling?" He was talking to me but looking directly at his pixie daughter as if he was trying to gauge what my answer would be by her reaction.

"You didn't answer my question," I reminded him pointedly. It seemed as though the tact and diplomacy I used to possess have vanished with my mortal existence.

"Of course you do," he said. "We were only looking out for what's in your best interests. How are you feeling?" he asked again. "How is the thirst?"

Up until that moment I hadn't even thought of that but now that Carlisle had brought it to the forefront of my mind the itchy burning sensation in the back of my throat become all consuming. "It's fine," I answered through a clenched jaw eyes scanning the room for Edward again focusing all of my energy on ignoring my desires for blood.

"Are you sure?" Jasper now piped in. I wondered if he could sense my agitation.

"I said I'm FINE!" I was sure to put quite a bit of emphasis on my finally word. "I need to see Edward. Where is he?"

The looks that I got from those around me were ones of puzzlement. I'm not sure what any of them expected but I was guessing my sudden stoic façade when it came to Edward wasn't something any of them knew how to read. I wasn't sure either as I was still attempting to wrap my head around the fact that apparently Edward hadn't really wanted to change me – that he didn't want me.

They shuffled uneasily before me. I nearly laughed knowing that none of them needed the movement they were exhibiting. They were far more human like than any of them ever realized probably more than I had realized either that was up until the time my cloud of humanness had been replaced with new vampire clarity.

"Where's Edward?" I asked once more unexpectedly getting a little edgy myself.

"Bella," Jasper said moving closer to me. "Everything is fine. Edward is fine. He's just…"

"He's just what?" I interrupted him. "Where is Edward?!" The intonation in my voice grew disconcerted and its pitch rose an octave. "I need Edward – where is he?"

**Jasper's POV –**

My nerve endings were on high alert as I made my way closer to Bella. She was a jumbled mass of emotions – fear, anxiety, and anger were just a few that were assailing me. I clenched my teeth silently cursing Edward hoping that he was near enough to read my thoughts. This was the last thing Bella needed. She was going through enough as a newborn let alone to have the love of her life just up and disappear.

I wasn't sure how she would react to my attempts to calm her. Bella hadn't a clue of the magnitude of her new found strength and easily she and I could have come to blows only for the sheer reason that she didn't know how to control herself.

As I got closer the feeling that flowed from Bella was that of utter disbelief and despair. Had Edward been right all along? Was the thought of being turned and the actual act of it been something that Bella hadn't truly wanted? Was that where those emotions were stemming from? Would she have rather died than to have become one of us?

God help us all if that was the truth. Edward would be more beside himself than he already was.

"WHERE IS HE?!" Bella's booming voice pulled me from my thoughts. "Edward! Edward!" she began screaming.

**Edward's POV –**

Bella was awake. Relief washed over me only to be replaced with guilt. What had I done? I had done the unthinkable. I had doomed the woman that I loved to a life of a monster.

Leaning against the tall white wooden fence post I allowed the thoughts of my family to fill my ears. There was Esme and Alice overjoyed that Bella wasn't dead as they once had thought. Carlisle was going through a mental check list of things he wanted and needed to exam on her. He was still concerned that he had given her far too much morphine during her transformation. Emmett was thrilled to have another little sister to pick on and was wondering just how strong a newborn really was. I heard him wondering if he could take her or not. I let out an irritated groan and shook my head. Of course that would be what he was thinking about. Yet somehow I didn't find Emmett's typical behavior comforting. In fact it did nothing but make me angry.

Through all the voices in my head I searched for the sweet familiar sound of Bella. Surely, now I would be able to read her mind – but nothing. Still when it came to Bella there was nothing but a dark chasm where her thoughts should have been. I let out a frustrated growl. How was I ever going to know how she truly felt about being turned? How would I know if what she told me to my face was really what she was thinking?

Rosalie's thoughts were ones that shocked me. She saw herself in Bella. She reasoned as to how similar their situations were. They had been battered, taken advantage of and abused – left for dead but death hadn't come instead it was replaced with a different sort of life.

Would Bella feel towards me the way Rosalie felt towards Carlisle? Would she thank me on one hand from saving her from death but curse me with the other for ripping her from all that she knew?

Rubbing my hands over my face a sigh escaped passed my lips. I was just about to turn and run deep into the woods when Jasper's cursing my name hit me. There was no doubt he was angry but it wasn't his anger that caught my attention. It was his ineffectual attempts to calm Bella that took center stage. He was searching the recesses of his brain for something to say as to where I was.

_'What am I supposed to tell her? Where the hell are you, Edward?'_ I heard him think repeatedly.

Pushing away from my resting place, I headed in the direction of the house. No matter what I was thinking or what Bella might be thinking I couldn't continue to distress her. It went against my grain.

As I crossed the threshold, Bella's thundering voice bombarded me. "WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S EDWARD? WHY ISN'T HE HERE? WHERE IS HE?"

"Here I am," I said revealing myself to seven pairs of bewildered eyes yet it was the crimson ones I wasn't able to meet.


	6. 5 Then and Now

The Long Way Home: _Then and Now_

**Bella's POV –**

I positioned myself as far away from the house as I could get without the others coming to look for me. I needed to get away from the continual noise that my new acute vampire hearing now provided me with.

It seemed as though the entire Cullen family, my family, had taken to watching my every move since my change. I couldn't really blame them. I was a newborn after all. I stretched out my arms letting the sunshine, a rare event in Forks, glisten off them. I was still in awe of my new body and the way it was impervious to all things. No longer was I this klutz that Edward constantly had to rescue. I was graceful. That thought made me laugh – Bella Swan and graceful had never before occupied the same sentence.

I scanned my surroundings everything was so sharp, full of so much detail. I was amazed at all the little things I had missed being a mere human. If I had wanted to I could have counted every single blade of grass at my feet without much thought.

Doing my best to concentrate on those blades of lush green grass that carpeted the ground below, I pushed back the continuous burning itch at the back of my throat. It was a relentless gnawing that I couldn't shake. That disturbed me. I suddenly understood Jasper's constant struggle with the life the rest of the Cullen's lived with such ease.

"Stop thinking about it!" I ordered myself. The idleness of my mind I once knew vanished and suddenly the vast space with which my brain had to process things allowed for my persistent thirst to pick at me. The thoughts that passed through my mind disgusted me yet the idea of tasting human blood was tantalizing. It intrigued me to the point of contemplating just one human kill – to cleanse my system of the craving. The logical side of my head finally came out of hiding and rattled off all the reasons why it knew what I had just thought was an impossibility.

Edward had told me once that the taste of human blood would create a frenzy of sorts and stopping was nearly impossible. I had to be strong. I had to be able to do this. I couldn't have Edward regretting turning me more than he already did. I wouldn't be a disappointment to my new family.

Attempting to compartmentalize that intense desire, I brought the memory of just a few days ago to the forefront of my mind. There was the image of Edward, my Edward, hesitantly making his way into the enormous living room.

I remember trying to ignore his faltering gait as he joined us. At the site of him, Alice instantly took my hand in hers. The glances being exchanged between the siblings only heightened my anxiety. I wondered what their silent conversations would reveal if I have been able to hear them. Maybe it was better that I didn't know. At least for a little while longer I could delude myself into thinking that my change wasn't something that totally disgusted the man that I loved. However the vacant expression in his topaz eyes revealed a great deal, or at least it did to me.

_~*~*~*~flashback~*~*~*~_

'How are you feeling?' he asked me all the while not taking a step closer to me. I found myself glancing around the room at the others hoping for something from any of them that would help me make sense out of Edward's peculiar behavior.

'Adjusting.'

I lied knowing for certain that he could see through my façade, but not a single movement on his part was made to approach me, however, Jasper came closer. I was sure he sensed my uneasiness and was doing what he could to calm me.

I didn't want to be the one to tell him that no amount of his soothing ways was going to work. Nothing was going to work except to have Edward take me in his arms and tell me that he loved me. So far that had yet to happen.

'It is rather disconcerting at first,' he said to me as though he was talking to some random newborn instead of someone he professed to love more than his own life. For me that was more disconcerting than the feelings that were coursing through me right then.

'Way to state the obvious!' Emmett's voice came from across the room and I turned to see him giving Edward a kind of _duh_ look at his brother.

'I'm glad you joined us.' Carlisle took the moment of silence to begin speaking. 'Before Bella joined us we had been speaking about the best way to handle to our current situation.' I remember feeling even more uneasy at Carlisle's statement, like a child who was in the room yet those around them were speaking as if they weren't. 'As you very well know, Bella won't be able to stay in Forks now. We can't take even the slightest chance that someone might see her. And there are many things about her new life she will need to learn. Those things will be much easier to teach her if she isn't encumbered by our current surroundings.'

'So we will move,' Edward said to his father.

'If it were only that simple, son. We can't keep ping ponging in and out of Forks. We have already drawn far too much attention to ourselves. Alice and Jasper have agreed to accompany you and Bella to Canada. We all discussed it and came to the conclusion that would be the optimal location for Bella to adjust to her new life.'

I had only seen panic in Edward's eyes one other time and that had been at the ballet studio in Arizona, but that same look now settled on my love's face – sheer panic. Under normal circumstances my heart would have skipped a beat but not now instead there was nothing but silence.

My own terror began to settle in. Not because of the life lessons I would now need to learn but more so for the way that Edward looked like he was fearful of being alone with me. I had thought that once I had become like him that our life would be perfect – so much for perfection.

'Perhaps it's time we give Bella her first lesson.' Jasper announced. I was sure he was reading my emotions or better yet my cravings. That dry burning itch at the back of my throat was getting harder and harder to ignore, but I did my best to do just that. I didn't want Edward to see my as some crazed newborn deepening that regret I could see he already had about my change.

As we walked deeper into the forest, myself at the center of the Cullen family circle, the sights and sounds were overwhelming. All things had taken on such clarity that it was almost overpowering my senses. It was as though I was on overload. Each one of my footsteps sounded like thunder ringing in my ears. It brought back memories of watching Edward and his family playing baseball in that large open field.

'We will be here to guide you every step of the way.' Jasper said to me. Absently I wondered why Edward wasn't the one reassuring me, but those thoughts only lasted a moment while I got lost in the wonderment of my surroundings.

I listened as Carlisle began instructing me and telling me to allow my instincts to be my guide. I felt Alice squeeze my hand as she gave me an impish smile all the while Jasper's aura of calm encased me like a cocoon. And before I knew what was happening I found myself running with them all – hunting. Alice and Jasper kept pace with me guiding me along some path I couldn't see yet miraculously a deer crossed my path and then a second and third. Immediately I zeroed in on the thumping of the blood coursing through their veins. It took little if any effort on my part to pounce and as Carlisle had said my instincts were my guide. The warm blood gushed passed my lips and down my throat swiftly captivating me momentarily.

I wasn't sure how long we were in the forest that afternoon but I know that I had lost count the number of animals that had crossed my path and met their deaths at my hands but when all was said and done I felt satisfied. Jasper must have been able to sense my contentment and suggested that we call it a day - we couldn't risk the slightest possibility that someone, even a random hiker, would happen upon Chief Swan's _dead_ daughter.

Making our way back to the house, I wanted more than anything for Edward to reach for me yet each time I glanced at him he couldn't or wouldn't meet my gaze. Suddenly I wished I could still cry at least I would have had some release for all the emotions streaming through my already overly sensitive body.

"Bella," Alice's voice pulled me from my memory. I looked up to see my new sister hesitantly approaching me. I wondered if Jasper could sense my despair even from this lengthy distance. "Are you all right?' she asked me.

"I'm fine," I said with little if any intonation in my tone.

"I'm not so sure I believe you," Alice said with an impish grin. "I know it's only been a few days and there's so many new things – new sensations to deal with. And I know that you haven't truly had enough time to deal with the things that brought about your change to begin with."

I knew she was talking about Jacob and what he had done yet I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to relive those memories through my now heightened senses they have been horrible enough when I had been human there was no telling what they would do to me as a vampire.

"Alice, please," I said.

"Bella," I heard her sigh. I knew I was frustrating her and that I should have cared but at the moment I didn't. "Don't shut us out," she said to me. "We can't help you if you do that."

Help me she said. The only one of them that I needed help from had barely looked at me in days let alone offered his assistance. This wasn't at all how I had imagined it would be. In my transformation I had always seen Edward at my side, guiding me, supporting me, and loving me the way he always had. However that wasn't the case – he was nowhere around me. I entered a room he would exit it. It was as though he couldn't stand to be near me. I wondered when Jasper would arrive to ease my distressed emotional state.

"I hate seeing you like this," my dear friend offered distressed herself I was sure of it.

"Then don't watch," I bit back caustically at her. That was so unlike me. Who was I kidding none of this was _like_ me. How could it be? I wasn't Bella the mere mortal anymore. I was Bella the crazed newborn with a blood lust that I was struggling to control.

"Would you like to hunt again?" Jasper appeared out of nowhere.

"NO!" I shot him a fiery look then suddenly relented, "I'm sorry," I said knowing that it was Jasper's influence that brought about those words. I struggled against his gifts but at the moment he was stronger than I or maybe I just had gotten tired of fighting him.

"I'll leave you two alone," Alice addressed us before turning on her heel and heading back to the expansive white house.

"You don't have to fight so hard against the thirst. We can hunt as much as you need to while you are adjusting to the change." Jasper's voice was soft. "You have nothing to prove to anyone."

I turned and looked at him believing that Edward was the only one of his family that could read minds. It was silly I knew that Jasper hadn't read my thoughts literally but in some odd way he was. I certainly was trying to prove something to someone – to Edward. I wanted him to see that I was a good newborn, that I was handling this change seamlessly. But I wasn't. If anything I was failing miserably. This unbridled thirst was all consuming and it wasn't animal blood that I desired it was human blood. How funny was that? When I had been a human the sight of human blood made me violently ill but now it controlled my every single thought.

"Don't I," I finally said to him.

"No you don't." Oh how I wanted to believe him. To get lost in the blissful feelings exuding from his aura but that wasn't about to happen. No amount of Jasper's emotional magic changed the facts as I now knew them to be – Edward regretted changing me so much so that he had built a wall between us. A wall that I didn't know how to scale or even begin to try.

"I really just want to be alone," I said to him.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Jasper countered eyeing me carefully.

"Please, Jasper," I begged him. I wanted to be left alone in my despair. It wasn't fair of me to be making him miserable too having to try so hard to placate my mood.

I felt him reach out for my hand giving it a slight squeeze. "Alice is right you aren't alone in this." He told me. So why is that exactly how I felt completely and totally alone? I knew why because I was. The one person I needed no longer wanted me and that hurt worse than being left in alone in the forest.

"I'll be inside if you change your mind about hunting."

I watched Jasper disappear along the same path that had carried Alice into the house. It suddenly hit me just how much Jasper's presence had affected my emotions for right now there I stood with this weight crushing me. Bombarded I was with vivid recollections of my time with Jacob and while he could no longer hurt me it was as though I could still feel the sting of his abuse against my now granite skin. My extreme want for a single taste of human blood pounded at the back of my throat. There was an ache there that I knew would never be truly satisfied no matter how much animal blood I consumed. That scared the hell out of me. How was I to be a part of the Cullen Family – Edward's family if I couldn't control my bloodlust?

Oh how I wanted to cry – wished for tears that would no longer come. There was no way for me to release all these pent up emotions that coursed through me at such a swift pace. I felt like I was going mad!

**Edward's POV –**

From my perch I watched Jasper with Bella – my Bella, but was she that anymore? My brother reached out and took her hand in his. I wished that I couldn't read his thoughts. I wished that I didn't know what a horrible time Bella was having with her transformation. It was my fault. All of it from the very beginning was my fault. My need to protect her from my world – my life had ultimately caused her to be in the thick of it without her consent.

I couldn't let her die though. The thought of a world without Bella in it wasn't one that I could fathom. I had given her what she said you wanted, what she begged me to do that night of the prom but was that what she still would have wanted now. I had taken her choice from her. Would she have chosen death over becoming like us? I didn't know and now I never would.

I watched her tucking my body out of her line of sight. I couldn't bear for her to look at me. The way her eyes glared at me was more than I could take. Did she hate me for what I had done to her? Yet I couldn't help myself from observing her still. She sat in the bright sunlight and I finally was able to see what she had seen the day I revealed what I was to her. She had said I was beautiful, that it was like diamonds. I retorted that day that it was the skin of a killer but now I saw it from her perspective. She was beautiful tiny iridescent shimmers surrounded her perfect features. Yes, she was still my Bella the striking girl who I had fallen in love with despite myself and better judgment.

I felt my dead heart constrict. What had I done to her though? I had damned her to an existence that robbed her of her soul. I could hear Jasper and Alice's hushed voices a floor below me. It didn't take my mind reading gift to know what they were talking about – it was Bella. They were worried about her, worried how isolated she was, worried that her warring desires might be too much for her to bear.

My fault I thought. All my fault. I had made the wrong choice and it killed me to know that my selfishness once again had harmed my love in a way there was no returning from.

**Carlisle's POV –**

Alone I sat in my study staring out the expansive panes of glass at the back of the room. My mind wandered through the events of the past weeks trying to come up with some alternate path that would have brought about a different outcome.

The dark cloud that hung over Forks had nothing to do with the continual rain that pelted the earth and so much to do with the _death_ of Chief Swan's daughter. I knew either way there would have been a funeral but it was still difficult for me to rationalize the part I played in the charade. Esme and I attended the funeral out of respect for Charlie and admittedly to keep up appearances. It would have looked out of the ordinary if none of the members of the Cullen Family had shown up.

I tried to shake off the images of that day that haunted me. Charlie's tears though were one that I was sure I would never be able to erase. There was no amount of comfort that could take away the pain of losing a child. My beautiful wife, Esme, knew that all too well. That's what had caused her to jump off that cliff so many years ago – the loss of a child. It pained me to know that Charlie Swan was going to have to life with that pain for the rest of his life.

"The house is so quiet," I heard Esme say as she entered the room. I knew she was referring to the silence that Emmett and Rosalie's absence had caused. Emmett's booming voice typically could be heard throughout the house. He was our jokester and without him I had to admit it was oddly quiet.

"I know," I agreed with my wife. Easily I felt her light touch on my shoulder and instantly I pulled her on to my lap. I was relieved that she hadn't been angrier at me for my deception. I hadn't intended to lie to them, not really, but the circumstances had left me with little choice. "What's troubling you?" I asked her seeing the worry etched on her delicate features.

"I know we agreed that it was best for Emmett and Rosalie to go, but I still can't help but worry that it's going to end badly. Jacob, he's" I heard her pause, "he's volatile. There's no telling what they might have to face if they find him."

I understood Esme's apprehension, I had some of my own as well but I also realized that there was no keeping Emmett and surprisingly Rosalie from hunting Jacob like the dog he was – Emmett's words not mine. No one in the family wanted Jacob Black to get away with what he had done to Bella.

"Try not to worry," I said to her kissing her forehead softly. "They are doing what needs to be done."

"I understand," Esme agreed with me, "But I still fear what could happen. Carlisle, I don't want to lose any member of this family."

I couldn't help but wonder if we already hadn't. Edward was so not himself and hadn't been since the night of Bella's transformation. I could feel him pulling away from all of us and that troubled me a great deal. But it was his detached behavior with Bella that truly alarmed me. Not even when he had made his decision to leave her after that fateful night of her eighteenth birthday had he acted so coldly towards her.

"Now I have to ask what's worrying you?" Esme cupped my chin with her graceful hand our matching topaz eyes meeting.

"Edward," I told her plainly. "What if I forced his decision about Bella? What if in the hysteria of it all I pushed him into something he actually didn't want to do?"

"Bella would have died." Esme said plainly. "You know as well as I do that that's not what he would have wanted."

"Yes, but he was so against her becoming like him."

"And do you really think he truly wanted the alternative?" I knew she was speaking of Bella's dying and part of me understood that wasn't an outcome Edward could have withstood but it certainly seemed as though her current existence wasn't one he could handle either.

"I honestly don't know." I answered her with the sound of defeat in my tone.

"The right decision was made. I know it was." She reassured me.

"I hope you're right."

The soft knocking on the door ended our conversation yet it didn't put a halt to endless monologue of my thoughts. "We are packed and ready to go," I saw Alice and Jasper standing in the doorway.

"So soon?" I heard the trepidation in Esme's voice. I understood how it pained Esme to see all of her children spread far and wide

"It's past time." Jasper said matter of fact. "Bella needs to hunt freely and I hate to admit it but at the moment she's more like me than the rest of family. She's having a difficult time adjusting to the vegetarian lifestyle. We need to remove as much temptation as we can."

"Agreed." I told him. "Where is Bella now?" I asked the pair.

"She's waiting for us in the foyer." Alice answered me.

"And Edward?" I dared ask.

"Putting the bags in the car." Jasper told me. He and I exchanged glances bothered by Edward's odd behavior.

Esme slipped off my lap and reached for my hand. I knew that she wasn't about to let the rest of the family go without her giving them a proper good-bye. Making our way into the spacious foyer, I saw Bella standing wearily almost as if she felt out of place.

"Please know that I wish we could go with all of you." My beautiful wife said to her newest daughter.

"I know." Bella's voice sounded flat to me. My fears that I had pushed for the wrong choice picked at me once more.

"We will all be together soon, I know we will." I wasn't sure who Esme was trying to convince more herself or Bella.

"I know." Bella answered her with that same lifeless tone.

I saw the door swing open and observed Edward stop at the threshold not daring to be next to Bella. "Everything's ready." I heard him say to no one in particular.

"We love you." Esme reached for them all hugging them tightly. That was when I saw Edward visibly stiffen as he was forced to make contact with Bella. It upset me to watch the disconnect between them.

"We will call when we can." Alice said I was sure for more Esme's benefit than mine.

"Be safe." Esme said to them. I reached for her hand squeezing it tightly. I knew that if she could have shed tears they would be streaming down her snow white cheeks at that very moment.

I watched as the four of them walked off in the direction of the garage. I knew this was what was best for Bella and her transition into her new life, but part of me knew that she wouldn't ever truly be complete until Edward could come to terms with whatever was eating away at him.


	7. 6 New Surroundings Same Circumstances

The Long Way Home: _New Surroundings; Same Circumstances_

**Bella's POV –**

I had never been to Canada before. The wilderness around me was lush and dense and if the circumstances had been different I might have enjoyed exploring my surroundings but not now all I could focus on was still the overpowering way everything bombarded me. I wondered if I would ever truly get used to the way my new senses felt, how all consuming even the minutest detail suddenly was. Alice and Jasper assured me that eventually I would find a way to compartmentalize the bulk of it so that I would be able to walk through the world in seemingly normal fashion. But right now the bird's songs were too loud, the rustling of the leaves on the forest floor were too noisy, the wind's whistling through the trees was earsplitting.

Jasper tried to soothe me and admittedly I did feel more peaceful when he was near however the one I needed near, the one I was sure would bring me calm was barely there. It was funny to me how Edward busied himself with so many human things now – unnecessary things really but it was those things that allowed him to keep his distance from me. That thought stung and brought about that same hole in my heart feeling that I had had when he left me so long ago.

"Are you all right?" I had forgotten that Alice was walking along side me. She had taken me under her wing these last few weeks helping me adjust to my new diet and actually she was a skilled hunter. Her swiftness and pixie stance gave her a serious advantage over the boys.

"I'm fine." I wondered what she was now seeing in my future. She had always professed to see me as one of them but I had to wonder if this was exactly how she had seen it. Had she foreseen Edward's distance and if she had would she have still seen me becoming a vampire?

"Hunting is getting easier isn't it?" she asked me. I could sense her trepidation as she spoke. I found it odd when the one who could see so much seemed to be so very blind at the moment.

"Yes, it is. Thank you." I told her. I was indeed grateful to her. It was easy to hunt with her or even Jasper. Hunting with Edward, even though he did that very little if ever with me, was much more taxing on me. I didn't want to disappoint him. I wanted to prove to him that changing me had been the right decision and that I was adjusting well to my new life and diet.

"I'm going to head in, are you coming?" Alice asked me.

"No." I answered the last place I wanted to be was inside having to look at Edward while he endlessly did his best to avoid me. I would save us all the agitation and stay outdoors. "I think it's best if I stay here. It will give me time to practice that compartmentalizing you and Jasper keep telling me will happen." I lied. By the expression on my new sister's face I knew she knew I was lying.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing GREAT! We are all inside if you need us." She smiled at me as she bounced towards our new home.

They were inside that was true and I did need them, one of them more than the others. I shook my head to stave off the new wave of thoughts that bombarded me. I couldn't allow myself to think about Edward. I needed to focus on getting control of my yearnings – cravings really. The idea of drinking human blood, tasting it just once even, was still something that taunted me. I was angry that this all wasn't easier. I have always imagined that becoming like Edward and his family, something that I had wanted, would have made the transition simpler no matter what was said to the contrary. But that so wasn't the case. Animal blood indeed sated the burning at the back of my throat and allowed me to think more clearly but like Edward had described it once that it never fully satisfied the desire that forever bubbled beneath the surface.

Thankfully though for me this part of Canada was sparsely populated. There wasn't a human for a hundred if not a thousand mile radius that elevated a lot of my tension about making a mistake – a mistake that I couldn't afford to make if I was to ever get Edward to stop seeing what he had done as a grievous mistake. Pushing thoughts of Edward to the back of my now expansive mind, I nestled my body in the soft green grass. I ran my hand across its lush surface and felt the differences in each individual blade beneath my touch. It was such an odd sensation.

I looked up and the cover of clouds obstructed the sun. It was gloomier here than it had been in Forks if that was even possible. I would have enjoyed the sun on my now hardened flesh especially since there would be no worries of being seen and being discovered for what I now was. Forks, another thing that I tried not to think about but suddenly I wasn't able to control the thoughts that marched through my mind. Before I could stop them from assaulting me images of Jacob flashed in front of me. The reflections of the things he had done to me blipped in and out of my mind's eye randomly, almost out of order yet still making sense. I absently wondered if that was my brain's heightened capacity allowing me to see so clearly when typically I would have been distracted by it all.

I could feel my extremities shaking and as much as I wanted to stop them I couldn't. My mind replayed all those times Jacob hurt me. I saw myself flying over our bed, I remembered the blood running off my body as I showered, I felt the pain of his claws and thrust of his fists against my body. It was all so crystal-clear almost as though it was happening all over again. Somewhere in my mind I heard my own cries, my pleading for him to stop. I heard myself gasping now still trembling uncontrollably.

"Bella." I jumped at the sound of Jasper's voice. I hadn't realized that he had even approached me. "Bella. It's all right." He said with his always calming tone. I felt him touch my shoulder before sitting down beside me. "They are just memories. He can't hurt you anymore."

I wasn't sure what Alice had seen, or what Jasper had known about what I was thinking but right now I felt anything but all right. Typically I would have been rattled, scared even but that wasn't what I was feeling. I was feeling an intense anger, rage even for the things that had been done to me. I was furious at Jacob and myself for allowing all of it to happen.

"Please Bella, try to relax." I knew I was fighting against Jasper's gifts and it wasn't purposely really. I was just unable to organize my thoughts in such a way that allowed for rational thinking on my part.

I wasn't sure how long Jasper sat next to me. I assumed it had to be awhile because eventually I began to feel tranquil and was able to put some semblance of order to my ragged thoughts.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jasper pensively asked me. I shook my head not trusting my voice. I wasn't sure if like the human version of me it would crack and reveal my still uneasiness and fears. "I promise those human memories will not always be so vivid. And in due time they will get easier to put in their proper place until they ultimately fade into nothing.

I wanted to believe him honestly I did yet at that very moment I had my doubts that I would ever be rid of them. "I want you to understand that none of us is judging you. Being a newborn is a different experience for each of us. No one expects you to be perfect."

I heard his words but again didn't I have faith in them. I expected myself to be perfect, needed to be so that Edward could stop regretting the decision that had been made.

**Alice's POV –**

I didn't need my gift of seeing the future to know that something was amiss with Bella. By the way Jasper shot out of his chair and raced from the room, well it was a dead giveaway. I hated how this was all playing out. This wasn't at all like I had seen it happening but then again I also hadn't seen Edward being such a jerk. His decisions had definitely changed my vision.

Jasper and I were doing our best to acclimate Bella to her new life but there was no denying that she needed Edward. It was written all over her face through every one of her actions or sometimes inactions. It destroyed me to watch her suffering so much – so unnecessarily in my opinion.

I was well aware of the struggles she was having. They weren't unlike those of the man that I loved. Jasper still on occasion labored with the 'vegetarian' lifestyle we led. He and I had discussed at length the warring sides we knew were within Bella at the moment. Yet we both agreed that even baring those factors she was doing incredibly well for a newborn. Her hunting skills were strong and all the while she battled such strong urges for human blood she hadn't faltered once. Jasper had told me how very impressed he was with our new sister. Bella was not a blood crazed newborn by any means.

That alone gave me hope that eventually she would settle into our lifestyle and ultimately flourish – that was only if my brother could get out of his own way. I knew that without Edward, not matter how well Bella adjusted, she would be lost.

I could hear the pages of the book Edward was pretending to read rustle as he flipped them one by one. I felt my frustration with him growing minute by minute. He was being ridiculous. Why couldn't he see that? I knew why because he was Edward and he had spent so much of his time hating himself, not feeling worthy of anything good that he was destroying the best thing that had happened to him in one hundred years. His words not mine even though I totally agreed with him.

I walked to the window and observed Jasper sitting on the ground next to Bella. She looked noticeably distressed and I felt for my partner. He had taken on so much with his efforts to soothe and calm Bella time and time again. I could tell it was wearing on him even though he would never admit it. That fact was just another reason for my frustration and anger with Edward. He was so caught up in his own angst that he had lost sight of everything else. I knew he thought he was being a martyr but I believed he was being completely selfish. That thought alone pushed me to seek him out, try to reason with him, or get him to see what his inactions were doing to us all, especially the one he professed to love.

"We need to talk." I told him as I took the book I knew he wasn't reading from his hands.

"Not now Alice." He answered.

"Yes now!" I forced. "This has to stop Edward. You have to get over whatever it is that you're doing, thinking." My frustrations were getting the better of me. When he turned to face me I could see the torment in his black eyes but part of me didn't care. His torment was self inflicted and honestly I had had about all I could take of it. This wasn't about him it was about Bella and what she needed and it was about time he came to understand that.

"Please go." He told me.

"No!" I said to him. "It's time you dealt with the way things are now. Can't you see what your distance is doing to Bella? Don't you remember what it was like to be a newborn? What would you have done if Carlisle had just left you to your own devices?"

"She has you and Jasper." Edward retorted.

"She needs YOU!" I wanted to shake him in the hope that it would shake some sense into him. How could he be so blind?

"She needs anything but me."

"You can't believe that, can you?" I was shocked by his words. How could he think that? I know he wasn't able to read Bella's thoughts but even a mere mortal could see with the naked eye how much Bella loved him and needed him.

"This conversation is over." He told me as he got up from his perch.

"The hell it is!" I positioned myself between him and the door my anger was getting the better of me. "I don't know what the hell has gotten into you Edward but it has to stop! She needs you. Jasper and I are nothing but poor substitutes. Yes we can school her in what she needs to learn, we can guide her and hell yes we can love her, but it's your love she desires, your acceptance she needs."

I watched as he buried his face in his hands letting out an exasperated gasp. "This isn't the way it was supposed to be."

"But it is. She wanted this Edward. She's always wanted this. Why are you denying what you already know?"

"Not like this! Not without her consent!"

"Edward, she was dying! There wasn't time for consent nor was it needed. You wanted her to die rather than change her?" I didn't know the man standing before right then. This wasn't the Edward I had known. Bella's death was never something he could have tolerated but now it seemed like that's what he would have preferred."

"I never wanted her to die." He whispered all the while not looking at me.

"She might as well have if you aren't planning on being a part of her life." I said matter of fact before stepping aside allowing him exit from the room.

**Edward's POV – **

'_She might as well have if you aren't planning on being a part of her life.'_

Alice's words rang in my ears as I wondered truly how much truth they held. The thought of losing Bella had always been a death sentence of sorts for me. That's why I had come back because I didn't know how to exist without her, that's why I had changed her because a world without Bella in it wasn't a world I could envision. Yet changing her had been a mistake. This wasn't a life for her. I had heard the thoughts of those around me. I knew what a difficult time she was having with 'the change' and no matter how many times I heard how well she was doing, adjusting I still couldn't shake the ominous feeling that I had acted out of my own selfishness ignoring what was best for my love.

I'd seen firsthand the changes that had taken place in her and not just those that made her like me and my family. There was an aggressiveness that human Bella had never possessed prior to her change. I could see how filled with anger she was. I had caused that anger. It was my fault.

There was no denying that I had ruined the one that I loved. I had turned her into the monster I always saw myself to be. She hated me. It was easy to see that she did. She couldn't look at me. She didn't feel the same way about me. How could she I took away her choices. I let her become like me for no other reason than I didn't want to lose her. She was paying for my selfishness! I let out an exasperated groan and took off running even though I knew there was no escaping what I had done.

**Jasper's POV –**

I wasn't sure how long I sat with Bella but finally I was able to feel her become less agitated. The act of truly calming her was one I wasn't sure I would ever be able to do. Her anxiety was running high and it didn't take a mind reader, which I wasn't, to know why. It was apparent that Edward's distance and what Bella assumed was its cause was what brought about her angst.

I could sympathize with her plight. The 'vegetarian' lifestyle that our family led wasn't an easy one. In fact it was downright impossible at first, at least it had been for me and I had had Alice by my side through it all. I wasn't able to think of what it had to have been like for Bella without the one she loved beside her.

I knew that Alice and I were doing our best to serve as stand-ins but there was really no replacement for whom and what she really needed. If I was honest with myself I admittedly still struggled with my own blood lust, sitting each and every day through the tortures of high school with so many delicious scents had a tendency to drive me mad at times. And then when Edward had decided to take up with Bella, a human – a tantalizing one no less, well I didn't know if I could survive it, or if she would for that matter.

That day of her birthday party at our house was a vivid memory. It amazed me that such a minuscule drop of human blood had frenzied me to the point of lunging toward her. The rest of it played out in slow motion as I am sure it did for the remainder of the family, yet for me it was by far different. It had been my actions that had in turn propelled Edward to make the decision that he had, had brought Jacob into Bella's life, had allowed her to sustain such abuse and ultimately put her in the position of death or becoming like us. I was the root of it all. I had been told over and over that no one blamed me but part of me didn't honestly believe that. I was to blame or at least the part I played in the event and its fallout.

"Jasper," Bella's voice beside me startled me. I had actually forgotten she was next to me. "I am so sorry for what I must be putting you through right now."

Penance, I thought to myself. "You aren't putting me through anything. I told you we were here to make your transition as easy as possible." I smiled at her slightly. "There's no need to worry about anything." I told her.

"I wish that were true." I heard her voice drop an octave and felt her emotions begin to spiral again. "This isn't at all how I expected it. I thought I would be stronger. I wanted this, knew the pitfalls but still I can't get a grip on my cravings."

"No one expects you to." The way she looked at me I was sure her mind held other thoughts. "Bella, what you don't seem to understand is for a newborn, well you are unlike any I have ever seen. You do have strength. You are strong." She shook her head as I spoke. "Seriously, did you presume that human blood wouldn't appeal to you? Did you actually believe that you would never think of feeding on a human? That's unrealistic," I told her honestly. "Even Carlisle who has the utmost restraint had to deal with his cravings at the start. He barracked himself away nearly starving himself to death until he was sure that he could control his urges. None of us is perfect, Bella and if you think that that's what any of us expects you are mistaken."

I assumed that's exactly what she thought that Edward expected – perfection and because she was faltering that's why he was staying away. I wished that I could get my brother to see that his actions were the root cause of this all and the snowball effect that it was causing for us all.

"Thank you Jasper." She told me as she rose to a standing position and walked off into the distance. It upset me to know that I wasn't able to do anything to genuinely help her.


	8. Note

To those of you reading The Long Way Home or are even remotely interested in this story….I am asking if I should continue to see it through to completion or let it stand as is. I have a few more chapters to post that continues the story further but I feel that since I let it lapse for such a long time that the interest in it is no longer there and honestly I understand and take complete responsibility for that. Just let me know. Thanks.

Lisa


	9. 7 Drowning in Regret

The Long Way Home: _Drowning In Regret_

**Bella's POV –**

What a mess I was making of everything. I looked over my shoulder to see Jasper watching my exit. I couldn't even begin to imagine how all of my ragged feelings were affecting him. He had to be getting tired of me by now no matter the words that came out of his mouth to the contrary.

The itching burning sensation at the back of my throat had returned much quicker than I had anticipated. I pushed it down as much as my urges would allow for. I was getting accustomed to recognizing my need to hunt and that need was growing fierce. Maybe it was just because during my hunt with Alice I hadn't really focused on the task at hand and allowed my brain to wonder too much so that I hadn't completely satisfied my needs. The last thing I wanted to do was be a burden to them anymore than I already was so I continued to walk off quietly into the distance even though the monstrous compulsion picked at me.

Absently I touched the bark of the trees as I passed by them. It's funny how now I could feel each pointed shard rather than the typical bumpy way it would have felt to me just a few weeks ago. I focused on those vast differences in the then versus the now in a vain effort of shoving my wants to the deepest part of my now unrestrained brain. I counted my steps methodically as I kept on moving forward, to what I didn't know. My life, existence, was suddenly nothing like I had thought it would be even if I had been changed under the most optimal of circumstances. I never anticipated Edward not being a part of either my human life or vampire one for that matter. While breathing was now unnecessary, I still let out a heavy sigh. Thinking about Edward pained me. I missed him so desperately, even more so than when he had left me after the disastrous events of my birthday. Maybe it was because he was so close but yet so far or the way his eyes raked over in disgust now. I didn't know really but the ache that filled me was all consuming.

I dropped to my knees begging for the ability to cry. I needed that all human emotional release. I hoped that I was far enough away from the house to give Jasper some peace. I didn't want him to come looking for me trying to make me comfortable when I knew deep down that would never happen.

"Bella, are you injured?" I needed look up to know who the velvet voice belonged to. He hadn't spoken to me in weeks but the sound of his voice would be forever burned in my ears.

"I'm fine." I told him averting my gaze not wanting him to see the bright red tint to my eyes. Alice and Jasper assured me that eventually they would be the same color as my new family but it would take some time for that change to fully take effect.

"Why are you so far away from the house?" he asked me. I deluded myself into hearing concern in his tone. There was a part of me that still needed to believe he loved me or at least didn't want any harm to come to me.

"I don't know." I told him honestly. I hadn't realized how far I had truly traveled away from everyone and everything.

"You should really head back." He said gesturing to the path.

"I'm not ready," I choked suddenly feeling a strangling sense of despair taking hold of me. Being so close to him, wanting to reach out and touch him but fearing the worst if I did just that. I couldn't handle feeling him pulling away from me. So there I sat on my knees somewhere between trepidation and hopelessness.

"Should I get Alice?" He suggested to me. I shook my head. Why couldn't he see that it was him I needed and not Alice? Did he despise me that much that he couldn't even sit with me and comfort me the way he used to? I wanted to ask him those questions but I was terrified of the answer.

"Jasper then?" I thought I had heard a hitch in his voice with the mention of his brother's name. Sort of the same sound I used to hear when Mike Newton's thoughts would aggravate him.

"No," I whispered. "I'm fine. I will be fine here."

"I don't want to leave you here alone."

I looked up at him hearing his words but not believing him. Leaving me alone was all he had done for weeks now. "I'm fine really." I wasn't sure if he took notice of the flat way I spoke to him. I needed him to believe I was fine, needed him to know that I was making my way through my change perfectly. "I'd like to be alone." I lied.

I watched the steps of my beloved falter momentarily giving me a flash of hope that somewhere inside of him he still cared about me before he turned and headed away from where I sat motionless. "I'll leave you then." He told me.

It took all of my willpower to stay exactly where I was. I wouldn't follow him screaming his name as I had that day in the woods even though every fiber of my being wanted me to. He didn't want me or at least not like this. It was obvious how much he regretted what he had done, regretted changing me. That thought alone tormented me because being like him and the others had been something that I wanted or at least I had when it meant I would be tied to Edward forever.

Was that why he had always been so against changing me? Had he not wanted me forever? Was I just some play thing to pass the time with until my human frailties would take me from him? I gasped again as the pain of those thoughts hit me with a blunt force.

Maybe nothing I could do now in this vampire life would make a difference to Edward. Was I worried about being perfect for someone who no longer wanted me because he had never wanted me in the way I had wanted him?

Too many thoughts were swimming in my brain to the point I felt as though I were drowning. I had always thought Edward wanted me but feared taking my soul, that's what Carlisle used to reason with me on my birthday. What if he hadn't wanted me at all? What if that's why he always put up walls when I would bring up my becoming like him? Would I have been better off dead than like this without the one that I loved? Could I live with a hole in my heart for the rest of eternity?

**Edward's POV –**

I forced myself to continue looking forward. I couldn't, wouldn't look back at her. If I did I wasn't sure I could have not run to her, scooped her up in my arms and professed my love for her.

I didn't like leaving her alone in the wilderness. I was well aware that she now possessed the capacity of taking care of herself but for me she was still 'my Bella' and my need to protect her and keep her safe always won out. Yet if I was honest I hadn't been able to do either of those things for some time now. Everything that I thought I had done to protect her had backfired in such a way that I had damned her to an eternal hell – first with Jacob Black and now as part of my world without ever giving her a say in it.

She hadn't been able to look at me and I knew why. She was angry with me. That's why she wanted to be alone. She can't stand having me near her. A strangled cry escaped my lips at that thought her not wanting me near when that was all I longed for tore me apart.

Not being able to truly leave her there alone, I leaned against the trees and waited to hear any movement on her part. I could be back at the house before she even realized that I had been watching her. I just couldn't get myself to depart. No matter how she felt towards me now, I still loved her and the last thing I wanted was for any harm to come to her.

"What are you doing?" Jasper's voice took me by surprise. I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't heard his as he approached me.

"What are you doing?" I retorted with more hostility than I expected. I could tell by his thoughts that my brother, like I, was worried about Bella and why she had been gone for so long. Why that upset me so I didn't know or maybe I did but didn't wish to acknowledge it.

"It appears like you checking on Bella too." Jasper told me.

"I can go now." I told him knowing that leaving was better than forcing Jasper to deal with my frayed emotional state.

"No stay." He said. "I think it would do Bella good to know that you are close."

"I doubt that." I countered his words.

"Why do you insist on acting this way?" It was easy to hear the frustration in his voice I needn't read his thoughts to know that he and Alice were perturbed with me. "You are only making things so much worse."

"You don't know that!" I growled back. "You don't know what Bella's thinking!"

"Neither do you!" Jasper came back forcefully. "I do know what she's feeling! She's full of despair and confusion."

"Because of me, what I did!" I cut him off my voice shouting.

"You saved her from death!"

"No I damned her to hell!" I continued shouting.

"The only hell you damned her to is the one where you aren't a part of her life. Yes, she's struggling with her new lifestyle. That's to be expected – she is a newborn." I heard him stress that word. "But Edward, she's amazing. She's got control more control than I had thought she would. You would know that if you spent any real time with her."

"I can't." I told him.

"No, you won't." He corrected me. "That's what's making this so much more difficult for her. She feels she's a disappointment to you. That because she still has the urge for human blood that she's not worthy!"

"That's ridiculous!" I scoffed.

"Not to her! Alice and I have both tried to reason with her, make her see what she's feeling is normal but it's your approval she needs." I heard him sigh in irritation. "I have done my best to make her come to terms with the fact that everyone takes to this life differently and that even though she may be faced with the challenge of denying what comes naturally to us all that she will eventually be able to put those urges in their proper place."

I heard him think about how overwhelmed Bella was right now. She not only had to deal with her lust for human blood, but her heightened awareness and senses had put her on overload. Then add to the mix my unexplained distance she wasn't coping all that well. Jasper's thoughts only made me hate myself all the more.

"Of course she's angry!" I said to Jasper's unspoken words without allowing him to finish his thought fully. "She has every right to be. I took away her choice. She should hate me for what I have done to her!" I suddenly realized how thunderous my voice was and didn't want to risk Bella coming to see what was happening so I stormed off not caring that Jasper's thoughts screamed my name.

**Jasper's POV –**

I fell back against the ground with a loud deafening thud so many warring emotions from those around me were getting the better of me. But at the moment it was Edward's inability of getting out of his own way that had thrown me into an utter tailspin. He oozed guilt and regret for the wrong he felt he committed against Bella. Why couldn't he see that all this self-loathing was so pointless, actually detrimental to the one he loved the most?

He was right I wasn't able to read Bella's thoughts but from the little that she had said to me and the volatile emotions that coursed through her I knew that she felt the need to be perfect to reach some unattainable goal of not once thinking of human blood or yearning for it. Hadn't Edward told her of his own temptations and how he had rebelled against Carlisle's ways? She needed to know those things, yet they weren't my stories to tell. It was essential for her to realize no matter how well adapted one was to the vegetarian diet that the true nature of what we were would always lurk below the surface, maybe just deeper for some than others. I knew that she would believe no one but Edward yet he was so busy being repulsed by what he saw as Bella's anger, and yes she was angry – she had every right to be – but not for any of the reasons my brother thought. He would have known that if he had allowed me to explain instead of storming off like an insolent child.

"UGH!" I let out an exhausted growl.

I indeed was exhausted. Up until this point I had always been able to feel the emotional state of those around me but no one needed to continually soothed the way Bella did. And it wasn't as though I minded doing that for it, it was just much more of a drain than I had expected. I sat in the quiet of the forest for the first time in quite a while not focusing on anything other than myself. I didn't appreciate how much I needed the time to recharge until now.

"May I join you?" I heard the sweet voice of my Alice ask me.

"Yes, mam." I gave her a wide smile as she nestled her petite body next to mine. I rested my chin on top of her head and sat in silence for a little longer. I could tell from her posture that she wanted to talk but for the moment I was content on enjoying the unspoken quiet between us.

"How are you?" She asked me. I wondered if she sensed my exhaustion as we were now finally alone.

"It's been trying." I answered honestly.

"I know." She agreed with me. I knew for a fact that like me, she had tried on more than one occasion to get Edward to see that how he had been handling this situation was all wrong. "He's being so stubborn!" I heard the frustration in Alice's voice.

"I agree." Stubbornness was certainly something Edward had mastered. And most times I understood his behavior; even his leaving Bella at the time had made sense to me. He wanted to protect her from the things in our life that could harm her, but now there was no need for that. All his stubbornness was producing now was a chasm between them that he was choosing not to cross.

"What more can we do?" She asked me.

"I'm not sure." I returned candidly. "It seems like we aren't able to reach either of them. They both are so set in what they think the other thinks that well it's like nothing we say matters. I wish Bella could see how wonderfully she's been handling her change. I have seen many many newborns and she's nothing like them. Yes, she has the desire for human blood but somehow she's able to table that. Honestly, I find it fascinating. All she can focus on is how those minuscule desires make her imperfect or not worthy of Edward's affections."

"She told you that?" Alice pulled back looking at me with disbelief in her eyes.

"Not in so many words, no, but it's easy to read that from the emotions that are running through her."

"That's absurd!"

"I know. And then you have Edward whose only thoughts are that Bella hates him for what he's done to her. That's she angry that he took away her choices. All the while the both of them love one another so much that their emotions are palpable. It's draining on all of us."

"Jazz, what are we going to do?" She asked me with a serious tone.

"I wish I knew. I feel at such a loss."

I felt her wrap her tiny arms around my neck and kiss my cheek. "I love you," she whispered in my ear.

"I love you too." I said back wishing that it would be that easy for Edward and Bella to say those three little words to one another.


	10. 8 Under a Watchful Eye

The Long Way Home: _Under a Watchful Eye_

**Bella's POV –**

I was having a difficult time wrapping my mind around the fact that we had been in Canada over a month now – that I had been a vampire a little longer than that. Admittedly Alice and Jasper had been right things were getting easier. I was able to put a lot of the things that had originally overwhelmed me into the background and focus on just one or two things at a time and to the outside world I would have appeared to be a typical human, not that there was anyone around us to take notice.

I sat a few yards from our new home. The warm summer air rustled my hair and the sun glinted off my now stone like flesh. I looked at my arms, hands stretching out my fingers watching the sparkles of light dance before me. The realization of it all was finally beginning to settle in. Bella Swan, the human version of her, no longer existed. My heart felt heavy with thoughts of Charlie and what he had to be going through. I hated that he had to believe I was dead but I knew that there was no way around that untruth. There had been a time when I thought that was acceptable collateral damage but now I had to wonder especially with the void that Edward's distance had made in my life.

I knew from what I had been told, changed or not changed, my dad would have still been having a funeral. I still wasn't able to process just how horrible Jacob had been to me. Sometimes I let my mind wonder to the boy who welcomed me back to Forks with his father's old Chevy pickup truck. He had such a bright smile back then, one that lit up his face. And when Edward left me, Jacob had been my anchor, what had stopped me from drifting to sea destination unknown. How was I supposed to reconcile those things, the wonderful things about him with the abusive ones? It wasn't like I didn't know they happened or I was trying to explain them away since there was no amount of explanations that would do that. It just devastated me that the love Jacob professed to have for me could have ended up so twisted and contorted when things didn't end up as he had envisioned.

Had it been any different with Edward I suddenly thought? No, Edward wasn't physically abusing me but what he was doing to me by isolating himself, pushing me away at every turn for me was just as ravaging.

If it hadn't been for Jasper and Alice, particularly Jasper, I wasn't sure if I would have come as far as I had. I knew what a burden my freewheeling emotions were for him. I was all over the map and he did what he could to quiet me. I owed him a debt that I was certain that I would never be able to repay. I found with Jasper I was able to let down my defenses, my guard per say, in a way that I couldn't not even with Alice who I knew loved me like a sister. Jasper understood me in a way that the others didn't. Maybe it was because I knew he struggled with many of the same issues I did or perhaps it was just that his waves of calm made me believe that but either way I was more at ease with him than anyone.

I laid back against the soft grass and stared up at the bright blue sky. Once I would have passed the time looking for shapes in the clouds but now I found that I could do that and still ponder so many other things. I couldn't stop thinking about how different Jasper and Edward were. Jasper was so approachable while Edward was walled off and unreachable. I knew for Jasper nothing I did was a disappointment. He had told me time and time again how proud he was of me and my efforts but Edward and his lack of attention, aversion to me in fact spoke volumes of his regret and disillusionment with his choice to change me. I tried to hide how much that hurt me but there was no hiding those emotions from Jasper. He never forced me to talk about any of it but I could tell he wanted to. Maybe he thought he could somehow change my mind, but I could see with my own eyes what Edward was feeling. It was written over every feature of his gorgeous face.

I wish I knew how to merge what I expected my life as a vampire would be like with what it in fact was. It was a life without Edward. That was never part of my vision. I had always seen myself as his mate. I thought that's what he would have wanted too. How could I have been so wrong about the love I thought he held for me? How was I supposed to be part of the Cullen Family without sharing all that that meant with Edward?

"Enjoying the sun I see," Jasper's chipper voice pulled me from my somber thoughts.

"Yes I am." I stretched out my arms further soaking up the rays. "It's nice not to have to hide." I told him.

"I know." He agreed leaning back on his elbows gazing skyward. "How are you?" He asked me.

"Getting better." I could tell by the way he eyed me wearily I wasn't covering my apprehensive mood all that well. "I'm trying." I relented with a sly smile.

"That's all you can do is keep trying. Things have gotten better I do realize that."

"Yes they have." I was glad we were in agreement on that at least.

"How's your thirst? Have you been hunting enough?"

"I think so. The burning and itching is far less noticeable for the most part. Alice is very good about taking me out regularly as I am sure you are aware."

"That she is." Jasper smiled. I knew he was avoiding the rather large elephant that had set up residence in the field with us. He never was one to push but I could tell by his sudden need to fidget that he was hoping to broach a subject that I clearly didn't want to discuss. "I was thinking we might not need to stay away from civilization as long as we originally anticipated. Maybe in a few weeks we can move to a more populated area and test the waters so to speak."

That thought suddenly alarmed me. Out here in the wilderness without a human for miles controlling my desires had become easy but the idea of being close to even a few humans had me fearing that would be more temptation than I could withstand.

"Bella, you can do this." Jasper reassured me. "I know how scared you are to try but we have to. Alice and I will be right there the entire time. I promise you that we won't let you down."

"It's not you who I am worried about letting down," I said knowing full well I was opening the door just a crack to a conversation that eventually I needed to have. I felt Jasper shift beside me and I waited for the pat response he typically gave me but nothing came. I admittedly was a little stunned.

"I'm never going to get you to see things another way am I?" he asked me seriously.

"How can I?" I countered his question. "How Edward feels is glaringly staring me in the face every day."

"That's not what he's feeling." Jasper told me. "That's just how he's choosing to act. Those aren't at all his true feelings."

"How would I know any different? He's made himself inaccessible. I can only go by what he's showing me."

"I agree, but you have to know that's NOT what he's feeling." Jasper continued trying to make me understand but my brain was unyielding.

"He doesn't want me, again," I added softly.

"He loves you!" Jasper announced. "He's just so stubborn. He's angry…"

"Angry that I can't be better at this lifestyle." I cut him off before he was able to continue.

"NO! Angry at himself for what he thinks he's done to you."

"He saved me from dying. He regrets that?" I heard my own words hitch in my throat.

"NO!" Jasper's tone sounded discouraged to my ears. "He feels that he didn't give you a choice. He took that away from you when you didn't have a voice of your own to say no."

"I wouldn't have said no," I told him plainly.

"I know that. That's why I pushed so hard for you to be changed. I knew that you wanted this. And I knew my brother wouldn't have survived your death." He said to me honestly.

"Then why?" I questioned, "Why is he doing this? I don't understand."

"I don't know."

"How am I supposed to be part of your family if the part that I love the most can't stand to be in the same room as me let alone look at me? I can't be a burden to the rest of the family like that nor can I ask them to choose between me and Edward."

"No one thinks that. You ARE part of our family, Bella." Jasper stressed to me. "You have been since the day that Edward decided he couldn't be without you."

"I wish I believed you." I whispered truthfully. Jasper's arm came over my shoulder and he pulled me against his. Easily I rested my head there and if I had still been able to cry tears would have covered my face.

**Edward's POV – **

The house was quiet, too quiet almost. I had gotten used to having the thoughts of so many others in my head that when it was silent it was oddly disconcerting. I searched room by room only to find that I was alone. There was a part of me that found relief in that. As of late both Alice and Jasper had taken to shouting their displeasure at my actions towards Bella and the distance that I had chosen to keep from her, all of them really. Doing that was simpler for me though. I wasn't forced to hear their thoughts about Bella. I didn't have to listen to their worries about how she was handling everything. It was the coward's way out I knew that yet it was the path I had decided to take.

Putting one foot in front of the other I padded out onto the large porch that wrapped around the house we were now calling home. The summer air filled my nostrils as the sun danced between the trees in the distance. The rain had finally subsided and I wondered if that had pleased Bella. I knew how she hated the cold and wet. Why couldn't I stop thinking about her? Why was there always something around me that reminded me of her? There was no denying a part of me ached for her. I missed her desperately, her touch, the way her body seemed to fit perfectly against mine, and how we could spend endless hours talking, just being together. Those things were no more and I had been the reason for that. I had forced her into a life that she hadn't asked for at least not at the moment that it happened. I know that she had asked me once why I hadn't just let James' venom spread allowing her to become like me. At the time she sounded so sure that's what she had wanted. But that was before I had hurt her so much by leaving her. Things had changed and I knew that and that thought was slowly killing me.

Rounding the corner the sight that came before stopped me frozen in my tracks. Bella and Jasper were out in the distance a ways sitting in the grass. I felt my eyes bore holes in Jasper's back as he sat holding Bella against his shoulder. My eyes were riveted on them. Fists clenched at my sides I felt venom leech into mouth. Suddenly I was unable to control the monster that raged within me. I knew this feeling – it was jealousy – I had felt it before in terms of Bella's many suitors but yet this was different. Then I had known that Bella wasn't in a position to return their affections however from the looks of it things with Jasper were different.

Reaching for the white wooden railing, my fingers easily turned the solid surface into nothing but dust floating to the ground. That was my Bella he cradling in his arms. Anger flashed through me not even caring if I was close enough for him to feel my mood. I wanted him to feel it. I wanted him to know how out of line I thought he was. This wasn't the first time I had witnessed such closeness between the two of them. It seemed like every time I turned around they were sharing a moment or had their heads locked together. On one hand it was driving me mad but on another I wanted Bella to feel safe and wanted her to adjust. So there I stood at the moment with warring forces coursing through my rigid frame.

It certainly didn't help that I could read every thought Jasper had about Bella, my Bella. He thought words like amazing, remarkable, wonderful, surprising, and astonishing. His thoughts sounded like those of a love sick school boy which only served to fuel the bonfire that seethed within me.

Why was I shocked though? Bella was all those things that Jasper had thought not to mention beautiful and breathtaking. How could Jasper help but not fall in love with her after spending so much time with her? I should have seen it coming. I wonder if Alice had. That thought pained me. I didn't want Alice to have to feel the anguish that I was right now. I didn't want her to lose her mate because of my poor choices. For one last time I let my eyes rest on the two of them still huddled in what looked like such an intimate embrace that I found myself starting to shake. Something had to be done and it had to be done now I thought.

I walked off the porch heading out the cobblestone path in search of my sister. I didn't have to go far before I was face to face with her. "Where have you been?" I asked her accusatorily.

"I went for a walk." She told me giving me quite the odd look.

"Perhaps staying closer to home would be the better idea." I offered.

"What are you talking about? Did something happen? Is Bella all right?" I heard the increased panic in her tone as she tried looking over my shoulders searching out the illusive problem.

"You might want to ask Jasper that question." I told her.

"Edward, what in the world are you going on about?" Now I could only hear the annoyance in her voice.

I stepped aside to reveal to her the quite cozy scene of Bella wrapped in Jasper's arms.

"And?" She looked at me like there wasn't a single thing wrong with what I showed her.

"And!" I parroted her. "That doesn't bother you in the least?"

"Bother me? Are you serious?" Alice looked at me like I had just grown a second head at the suggestion that the man she loved was so lovingly holding another.

"Yes I am serious."

"Edward, you have lost your mind." She told me matter of fact.

"Look at them, really look at them Alice." She peered around me again her eyes resting on Jasper and Bella.

"Yes?"

"I've read his thoughts Alice. I know what he thinks of Bella. He's falling in love with her." I hated to hurt her like that but it was obvious to me that she was blocking what was observably starring her in the face. However my pronouncement was met with a loud laugh escaping Alice's lips. "What?"

"Now I KNOW you HAVE lost your mind!" She continued giggling at me. "Yes, Jasper loves Bella but he's not IN love with her."

"I beg to differ." I contradicted.

"Excuse me if I don't take your word on that. I don't think you are a good judge of most things, well anything lately."

"I know you see them together. You have to. Look at them!" I repeatedly pointed to the pair.

"I see NO such thing!" She forced. "And I don't have to see the future to know that there will never be anything between Jasper and Bella." She informed me. "All I have to know is who Jasper and Bella are. They feel nothing more for each other than you and I feel for one another."

The little pixie now stood in front of me with her hand placed squarely on her hips looking rather outraged at me. "I know how easy Bella is to love." I said.

"We all do!" Alice announced. "But that doesn't mean that Jasper's in love with her. I will tell you that he is in awe of her abilities to control her newborn urges but that in no way equates to being in love with her. What did you want him to do Edward, leave her to her own devices? Let her deal with all of her overwhelming emotions and desires without any sort of guidance?"

"No." I murmured. I was thankful for all Jasper and Alice had done in cleaning up the mess I made of all this. But the green eyed monster still was getting the better of me from time to time.

"You can't have it both ways. You can't drop out of Bella's life and then be angry when others step in to pick up the pieces." She was right and I knew it but couldn't allow myself to admit it aloud. "Why can't you see this is how it was always meant to be? Bella was meant to be one of us! She was going to be a vampire, no matter how the change took place it was going to happen. She is supposed to be part of our family, your mate!"

Alice didn't give me time for a rebuttal. She stormed by me heading towards when Jasper and Bella were. I hung my head in defeat.


	11. 9 Breaking Free

The Long Way Home: _Breaking Free_

**Bella's POV –**

I peeked into the living room and saw Alice and Jasper cuddled on the far end of the sofa. I knew I could have heard their hushed conversations if I had listened more intently but I had taken enough away from them already I wanted to leave them with a little privacy. If I allowed myself to think too long on the scene before me, I would have felt envious. The love that Jasper and Alice shared was tangible. It seeped from every pore of their being. I had had that once or at least I thought I did. There were times now when I couldn't help but wonder if I had imagined the love Edward once felt for me. It seemed like such a long time ago, a lifetime ago.

Just a few rooms away I heard a soft melody wafting through the air. Edward was at the piano. I leaned against the doorframe and listened. The tones were muted and rather somber. I suddenly longed to hear the strains of my lullaby. There had been a time when that sweet soft sound took away my fears, it comforted me. I questioned now if it would have the same effect. Not that I would have dared approached Edward or have asked him to play it for me. I couldn't endure the inevitable reaction I knew I would receive from him. So there I stood listening to the agonizing sounds that escaped from the piano. Did what he was playing reflect his mood? Could Edward possibly be as lonely as I was? Did he miss me like I missed him? Or was he just miserable about what I had become?

I looked back into the living room Alice was now sitting on Jasper's lap running her fingers through his thick flaxen hair. I needed some air so quietly I made my way from inside the confines of the house to the sprawling outdoors. I felt like I was suffocating. Sitting down on the front stairs, I took in my surroundings. I was beginning to be able to appreciate them finally, observing so many things that through my human eyes I would have missed. It was remarkable how much clarity I now had but that clearness had come with a price, maybe a few. And the one that was pressing its way to the forefront of the expansive plane that was my mind now was an incredible burning at the back of my throat. I pushed back against that hunger trying to show the demon inside of me that I was in control not it. I could do this. Jasper said I could. I had to.

I rose from my perch and circled the front yard. I knew I was slowly losing my battle as the burning had now developed into an insatiable itch that was intent on showing me who was truly in charge. I wasn't sure why I was fighting this so much. I didn't know what I was trying so desperately to prove. I needed to hunt there was no two ways around it yet the idea of going inside and disturbing any of them wasn't something I wanted to do. I had burdened Alice and Jasper so much already.

I had my doubts about being able to do this on my own. I still struggled with the idea of it all. In the moment, yes I was able to permit my instincts to take over and do what needed to be done for my ultimate survival, but there was still a larger part of me, maybe the part where some of my humanity still lied, that fought against what I was doing. I just wanted to be better at it. I just wished that I could slip into my new skin was more ease than I was. Maybe I would have been if Edward had been by my side. But that wasn't how things were and I had to stop longing for something that I knew I wasn't going to get.

I still didn't know how I was to be a part of the Cullen Family if Edward was continually going to be the way he was. Jasper had told me that I had been part of their family long before I have ever become a vampire but that was difficult for me to reconcile. It would be a nightmare for all of them to have the strain between Edward and me filtering within the walls of the family. Yet the alternative of being alone wasn't one that I could comprehend either. I always thought that I didn't mind being alone and maybe that's what I told myself so that I could deal with my life but the notion of being alone as a vampire roaming eternity with no direction scared the hell out of me.

The fire at the back of my throat had become all-consuming. I gazed towards the house torn almost. Should I just go off on and try to hunt on my own or should I go inside and get Jasper or Alice? I knew that neither of them would object to joining me. I would guess that Alice would be the first of them to jump up and offer. She'd been doing that a lot lately. She was always there hovering almost. She assured me that everything was going to be all right. I had serious doubts about that. I knew how her visions worked. They were based on what people decided and it was clear to me what Edward's decisions were as for mine well they were so haphazard I was shocked that Alice could see me at all.

I knew her intentions were well meaning and I loved her for them it was just hard sometimes to be on Alice overload. She had a way about her that was like a force to be reckoned with. When I had been human it had been easier to follow along especially when she had Jasper's gifts to aid her in getting what she wanted. But now I had my own strength and I found it difficult to just go along for the ride anymore.

I turned around and looked out at the wilds that lay in front of me. I was well aware that woods were teeming with wildlife and I had had enough hunts under my belt to be able to do this on my own. I still felt a bit apprehensive about just going off alone but that's exactly what I intended to do. I took off running before any of them caught wind of my intentions.

**Jacob's POV – **

I crouched down viewing the world below from my rocky perch. The sun soaked into my pores as I inhaled the fresh mountain air. It was different to finally be still, to be in human form. It had been easier for me being a wolf. My mind didn't have to think about anything. I made my way by instinct alone but now that wasn't the case. My mind was alive and active and full of thoughts and imagines that I wished I could escape.

I scanned the extensive wilderness in front of me. I wasn't sure how I had ended up here or exactly where here even was but I did know that I had been running long enough to have circled the area more than a time or two yet I still wasn't able to dodge the events that had led me here in the first place.

I closed my eyes and saw pictures of Bella, my sweet Bella, flash before the dark canvas. Her sweet full lips, the way she would chew on the bottom one when she was nervous, her beautiful doe eyes that had once looked at me so lovingly, or at least I thought they had.

My fisted balled at my sides as a wave of resentment filtered all the way through to my core. I held my inner beast at bay knowing that it was time for me to stop running. At the start I deluded myself into believing I was staying in wolf form to keep a connection to the pack, a pack that I was no longer a part of. When in reality being a wolf just allowed me to hide from the world. Being in my wolf form in the beginning proved to be valuable in gaining information but as time wore on I could no longer hear the voices of Sam and the others in my head but that didn't stop me from continuing on that way.

During the time when their thoughts were still strong I was able to learn that Bella had died. Even now in my human form I recall how that information tore at me sending ripples of varying emotions through my frame. I spent countless hours simply howling allowing my pain to escape but nothing helped the agony that filled me was paralyzing.

Even thinking about it now brought an odd stillness to my body except for the lone tear that traced a continual track down my stubble cheek. Bella was gone. I couldn't quite bring myself to think let alone say the word dead out loud. My heart constricted at the thought. I dropped back against the stony surface covering my face with my heads and began to wail for the first time. The sounds escaping my lips were a mixture of wolf and human tones. Bella was dead – she was gone and I would never see her again. My body shook as I finally allowed myself to feel all those things that I had kept pent up during my time as a wolf.

Pictures of that afternoon ticked off frame by frame. I saw Sam stepping aside allowing that leech onto our lands. I could hear Emily telling them all what I had done. Their stares of disbelief pierced my flesh. It wasn't until I saw _him_ carrying Bella's broken and bleeding body that I understood what I had done. With my inability to control my animal instincts I had done so much more damage than I could have ever imagined. It was that fact alone that set me on my run. I could have stayed and fought for my rightful place in the pack. They wouldn't have had a choice but to listen to me if I had forced the issue yet I wasn't able to face what I had done to Bella.

"It's not really my fault though," I rationalized out loud. "None of this would have happened if _he _had just stayed away. I wouldn't have been so angry if Bella would have just told _him_ to go." Again I found myself making excuses for my actions. "Bella and I were happy." I whispered to the winds. "We could have made a wonderful life together!" I felt the anger welling inside me again. Everything had just gotten so out of control.

I was sorry for the things I had done to hurt her. I had never wanted to harm her at all. I just couldn't seem to manage my resentment towards the love that Bella couldn't seem to deny for _him_ and that inability proved to be the downfall.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do now. Staying in wolf form was an intriguing idea it wasn't one I could manage forever and I knew I couldn't keep running. Yet the thought of returning to La Push wasn't an option either. I wasn't welcome there anymore, not even by my own father. Admittedly that bothered me somewhat. And as for Charlie, I could pretty much assume what he would be willing to do to me if given the chance. So where did that leave me I thought?

Closing my eyes a heavy sigh expelled my lips. I could go anywhere and be anything but I knew I truly would never be able to escape what I had done. I was supposed to protect humans, the innocent ones and I had failed at that no matter the reason, I still failed. That weighed heavy on my mind. So there I sat staring out into the vastness of the world without a clue on what to do or where to go.

Suddenly a flash in the distance caught my attention. Something made me sit up a little straighter and focused my concentration on what I couldn't see just yet. My instincts were on high alert. There is was again a brilliant sparkle of white light. I descended my rocky resting place heading towards the open fields below. I was a man on a mission all of the sudden so captivated by what was in front of me.

The object slowed finally giving me a chance to close the gap between it and me. I was stunned at what I saw – Bella. I shook my head and blinked my eyes a few times thinking that it was just the sun playing tricks on me. She was gone. I was just seeing what I wished were true. That Bella was still alive.

I stood frozen just staring out into the distance. The specter certainly looked like Bella yet somehow different too. I couldn't stop myself as I pressed forward to where I hoped to find what I was looking for. Could the pack have lied, thoughts things that they knew I would hear? Maybe Bella hadn't died after all. That thought alone propelled me forward at break neck speed. The closer I got the more I realized that it was Bella. I ran up to her wanting to embrace her and tell her how sorry I was for everything. It wasn't until I nearly collided with her and the form that I touched was a hard as marble and ice cold and blood red eyes that stared back at me with a startled expression.


	12. 10 Sudden Darkness

The Long Way Home: _Sudden Darkness_

**Edward's POV – **

My fingers glided over the ivory keys barely touching them yet the sounds that came forth were somber. I had hoped to find solace in my playing but instead I only found despair. Playing the piano once brought me great joy however not much had caused me delight in a long time. I had that brief respite when Bella had reentered my life but that was short lived as well and now here I sat filled with agony over what I had done to the one that I loved more than my own existence.

My mind was full of so many misaligned thoughts. Alice would hear none of what I said concerning Jasper's growing closeness to Bella. She actually laughed at me telling me I was crazy. She claimed that Jasper was no more in love with Bella than she was but rather he was in wonder of the way she had taken to her newborn status. So why was it that Jasper's thoughts on that matter had been of great concern when it came to Bella? I had read his mind. He had spent a great deal of time worrying about the despair that Bella was feeling and the self loathing she carried. Those were emotions that I had caused in her. I was the reason that she was feeling that way. I hated myself for it.

I could hear Jasper's voice in my head telling me that I needed to get out of my own way. Or Alice's enlightening me that this was exactly what was supposed to be happening – that Bella was to be one of us. I just never imagined that it would have happened under such extreme circumstances, circumstances that left Bella without a say. I knew Alice would have argued with me that that thought was ridiculous, that we all knew what Bella wanted. She had told us all a million times. So why couldn't I see my way clear to believing that?

My hands fell heavy against the piano all of sudden I felt as though I was being watched. It was the same feeling I used to get at Forks High School in the beginning when Bella was trying not to stare at me. Picking up my head I looked in the direction of the open doorway but she was nowhere. I felt my hardened heart sink a bit deeper in my chest.

I fought off the urge to stand up and seek her out. I had done what I could to put as much distance between the two of us as possible but there was still a large part of me that was aware of her presence. It was something that hadn't changed just because she was no longer human. I could still feel her. I was sure that's what made this all the more difficult. It would have be so much easier if I had just been able to forget her, put her completely out of my mind from the very start and then none of this would have transpired the way that it had. There would have been no James, there would have been no fateful birthday party and I wouldn't have found the need to erase myself from her life. She wouldn't have had to turn to Jacob for comfort. Who knows maybe she would have ended up with Mike Newton or Tyler Crowley. At one point in time that would have displeased me but now seeing the alternative it had me rethinking that.

Pushing myself away from the piano my desire to see her if even from a distance took hold and I found myself wondering the house. Room to room I went yet there was no Bella. My senses were on high alert. Something didn't feel right. I made my way to the back of the house and looked out across the vast backyard where I knew that she liked to escape to from time to time, nothing. Her name almost escaped my lips but something inside me stopped it.

Tearing back through the central hallway, I stepped out onto the porch hoping to find Bella out among the thick foliage, again nothing. "Where are you?" I said to no one.

"Edward, what are you doing?" Alice asked me when I raced back inside heading for the staircase. "Edward?" She put her hand on my shoulder forcing me to be still.

"Have you seen Bella?" I asked her.

"Not in a while. Why?"

"Jasper? Has he seen her?"

"Edward, what's going on?"

"Bella's not here." I said bluntly.

"What?" Jasper now joined us.

"Bella's gone." I told them both again.

"I'm sure she's here somewhere," Jasper said but it didn't matter. I read his mind and I knew he was concerned as well even if he wouldn't dare say it aloud.

"She's not here!" I was more forceful this time.

"She still needs time. She's dealing with a great deal."

I didn't care what Jasper had just said. None of it mattered to me. I just knew Bella was gone. She had vanished. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. Absently I wondered if this is how she felt that day when I left her in the woods. Was she paralyzed then the way I was right now?

"Where are you going?" Alice's voice forced me to stop short when I hadn't even realized I was moving.

"I have to find her." I told her matter of fact. With that I tore out the door and began running all the while my head screeched with thoughts that this time Bella had left me.

**Bella's POV –**

I had caught the scent of my prey and took off running only to have suddenly collided with a force as hard as I was. My head spun for a minute totally taken off guard by my backward motion. But it wasn't until I focused on the sight in front of me that sent my head truly spinning. Jacob Black in living color stared back at me with the same look of sheer shock. I felt my eyes grow wide disbelieving what I saw.

For a moment I stood like a statue unsure of what I was seeing was in fact real. Could Jacob really be right there in front of me, so close I could reach out and touch him? My body all of the sudden stiffened then the slightest tremors filled me. My breathing became heavy, deliberate and loud enough for me to hear it in my ears. Having him so close forced the memories that I had been able to press into the outer reaches of my now vast mind shoved their way front and center. I saw it all again just like it was happening in the here and now. Every harsh word, every threat, every time Jacob put his hands on me, it was all there rolling on a continuous loop that I couldn't stop even though I so badly wanted to.

I looked into the huge black orbs that were his eyes and I couldn't tell what he was thinking, was it pure shock, was it disbelief or was it anger. Neither one of us moved for the longest time, there we stood staring at one another as if we had seen a ghost until finally Jacob reached out and touched me. I felt my body recoil as my old habits took center stage. Logically I knew he could no longer hurt me but that didn't stop those feelings and fears from flooding me.

"Bella?" I heard his voice it sounded shaky and unsure.

He touched me again and that's when I saw the familiar expression of anger play across his features.

**Jacob's POV – **

My touch was met with an icy sensation. "Bella?" I questioned the figure standing before me skeptical of what I was seeing. Reaching out once more my fingers glided across her arm and the smooth marble surface mixed with the ice-cold feeling had me seeing red. My eyes widened as I stared intently at the form in front of me finally realizing what I was truly seeing. Bella was a vampire. Instantly the beast within me began to rage. Bella was a vampire I thought again. What had _he_ done to her? _He_ had turned her into a bloodsucking leech, the undead. How could _he_ have done that to her?

My enraged expression was a mirror image of the one Bella also wore. I saw her blood red eyes piercing my flesh and I had to wonder what she was thinking. I could see the slight quiver of her body but other than that she stood perfectly still which was a stark contrast to my sudden need for movement. I paced before her as she stood there watching me as though she was staked in place.

"What's _he_ done to you?" I finally shouted when I got my body to be still. Her continued silence infuriated me even more. "How could _he_ damn you to hell like this?"

"If I was ever in hell it was because of you." Her voice was so calm and collected so unlike the Bella I had known.

"He's made you one of them!" I did little to hide the disgust in my tone.

"And the alternative was?" she asked again far too calmly.

I couldn't wrap my head around what Bella was now even if it was staring me squarely in the face. "This can't be what you wanted!"

"I didn't want to be beaten either." She countered.

Again I felt my body flinch at her words yet I wouldn't allow that to cloud my thoughts. "How can you stand to look at him after he's taken away your life?" I asked.

"Edward didn't take anything from me. That was YOU Jacob. You took my dignity. You made me live in fear that one false move would unleash your wrath! You beat me and threatened me. You took my life Jacob, no one else!" Finally I heard resentment in the timbre of her voice.

"NO! He did that! He made you one of them! I had NOTHING to do with that!"

"You had EVERYTHING to do with it!" She countered. "How can you not see that? There would have been no need to change me if you hadn't beaten me so badly that there was nothing more that could have been medically done to save me!"

"Better you be dead than one of them!"

"You would have liked that wouldn't you? You would have won. I wouldn't have been able to go to Edward if I were dead. That would have made you happy wouldn't it?"

It was hard to answer her question because the answer wasn't a simple one. Yes, oh yes I would have been thrilled that I had been able to keep her away from _him_ yet I never wanted her to die for that to happen. All I ever wanted was for us to live the life that I thought we were supposed to have before _he_ showed _his_ face again. "Your death doesn't make me happy Bella." I finally told her. She sneered at me as if she didn't believe me. "I loved you and you threw that away like some broken toy that couldn't be fixed. All I ever wanted was the life you promised me."

"No all you wanted was to control me and when you couldn't you used my love for Edward and his family to keep me in line! That's NOT love Jacob."

"And turning you into a vampire is?" I shot back angry that she always gave _him_ a free pass.

"You gave Edward little choice."

Had she really just said that it was my fault that _he_ felt the need to turn her into a bloodsucking demon? "Are you kidding? There's no way you can pin this disaster on me!" I watched Bella's jaw drop at my statement. She did truly believe that I was responsible.

"So you are saying that you had nothing to do with the events that led up to me ending up in the hospital near death?" The anger I heard in her voice was clear as a bell. "You weren't the one that threw me across the bed, or broke my ribs – you weren't the cause of any of that?"

"I never wanted to hurt you Bella." I said truthfully. Hurting her was never part of how I saw our lives yet when it came to _him_ I wasn't able to control myself.

"HURT ME?" she bellowed at me. "You did so much more than that and what makes it even worse is that in your head you did it all under the guise of loving me!"

"I did love you!" I argued. "All I wanted was for you to love me back and you wouldn't! It was always _him_. Even when _he _left you you still loved! Why? Why when I could have given you everything?"

"Only if I did what you wanted!" She reasoned against my interpretation of things. "I tried to make you see that you deserved more, better than I could give you. But no, that wasn't good enough if you couldn't have me than no one would and you nearly succeeded."

"Why can't you see that I would have been better for you? Why couldn't you just love me the way you loved _him_?" I grabbed her by the shoulders nearly shaking her.

"GET AWAY FROM HER!" I whipped my head around and saw _him_ marching towards me with fire in his eyes.

**Bella's POV –**

I didn't need to turn my head to see who the voice belonged to – I knew. It was Edward. I felt Jacob drop his hands and turn to watch as Edward stormed his way to where we were. The sight of him filled me with relief for many reasons, but it was the fact that he was actually there that brought me the greatest elation.

Edward's expression right now reminded me so much of the one he had had at the ballet studio when he confronted James. He had loved me then and there was a tiny piece of my heart that wanted to believe that he loved me now.

"GET AWAY FROM HER!" I heard him shout once more as he drew closer to us. "You've touched her for the last time!" He told Jacob.

I watched Jacob's lips curl around his teeth and could have sworn I heard a faint snarl escape his lips. It only took him mere seconds to close the gap between them. I stood motionless watching the scene unfolding before me. Edward took a step closer baring his own teeth to his enemy. And all I could think was why couldn't I move? I should have joined Edward as a show of strength but something inside of me held me captive. I didn't know if it was the human fears of Jacob I once had that held me back or if it was something else but there I stood watching and waiting to see what was about to happen.

"I've hurt her?" Jacob's angry voice pierced my thoughts. "Look what you have done to her!" He shouted pointing at me. I knew exactly what he meant. He was referring to the fact that I was now a vampire and the change had been at Edward's hand.

"I did what I had to do to save her."

"Save her! Turning her into a bloodsucking demon, that's what you call saving her?" I heard Jacob retort.

"You left her for dead!" Edward's words sent a shiver down my spine.

"Better her be dead than with you!" Jacob's words were caustic and as soon as they were out of his mouth I saw Edward lunge for him.

Edward's attack must have taken Jacob by surprise because for a second I saw him stumble backwards to the ground giving Edward the upper hand pinning Jacob easily to the ground. But that position of strength was short lived as Jacob pushed at Edward with his feet. I watched as my love went sailing in the air somehow landing on his feet.

They danced around one another for a great deal of time. I was sure that Edward was reading Jacob's thoughts and could anticipate his every move but when I witnessed Jacob's sudden shudder I knew what was about to happen – he was about to faze into a werewolf.

I knew the stories of the Quileute tribe and how skilled they were at taking down their enemy. That's what they did – kill vampires. I remembered all the times that Jacob threatened to kill Edward and his family and watching him now something inside of me snapped. I couldn't allow him to fulfill his threat not now, not after everything that had happened.

My once frozen feet had found release and I ran toward where Edward and Jacob were still circling one another. I leapt through the air landing squarely on Jacob's back. So many visions were running through my head of the times when I hadn't been able to protect myself from his rage and all those memories fueled me. I wanted him to pay for every bruise that he had ever inflicted on me, for every time his had threatened to hurt those that I loved the most if I didn't do as he said.

Suddenly it was like I was standing outside my own body watching what I was doing unable to stop myself. I tore at Jacob with brute force until before I knew what was happening my teeth ripped at his throat and in an instant he quivered underneath me and then fell to the ground.

I looked down at Jacob's motionless body wide eyed unsure of what I had truly done. But as my senses returned I was well aware that I had killed him and tasted his blood. I wiped the back of my hand across my lips and tell tale signs of his blood were there. I was crushed. Not only had I killed him but to have taken human blood – I couldn't describe the horrific feelings that filled me yet when I looked up and locked eyes with Edward's and saw what I thought was a appalled expression on his face that I was truly mortified and took off running before Edward was able to say a word.


	13. 11 Monsters

The Long Way Home: _Monsters_

**Bella's POV –**

The reflection of Edward's revolted expression bounced around in my mind until I was dizzy. Without thinking I just started running. The brush and twigs tore at my hardened flesh and swayed, cracked and broke under the weight of my body as I ran and ran without once looking back.

I wasn't sure how long I ran since I now I never tired the way I would have being human. When I finally stopped and surveyed my surroundings, I hadn't a clue where I was. The forest around me was thick and dense. It was a part of the wilderness that I had never explored with Alice or Jasper. Turning circles I tried to gauge anything familiar but nothing came to mind except what I had just done. I had killed Jacob – tasted his blood. It was sweet and warm and I hated that I liked it. I let out a tortured wail before dropping to the ground wishing I could just disappear.

**Alice's POV – **

I sat on the edge of the porch staring in the direction Edward disappeared. It was shocking to finally see some sort of reaction from him regarding Bella after all this time. I was thrilled actually to know that he still could have such a response and that there was hope for him and her yet. But something seemed off still and I couldn't put my finger on it and that frustrated me.

All of the sudden my head shot up as the sight of Bella tearing away from Edward came into my mind's eye. I could see fear, terror and disgust flashing across her face. And was that blood dripping from her lips? Abruptly I saw Bella fall to the forest floor pulling her knees to her chest wrapping her arms tightly around them rocking back and forth.

"What's going on?" I said softly to myself as I began to stand up. In the distance I saw Edward heading back towards our new home. I took a few steps in his direction than stopped short. For a minute I was tempted to go to him and tell him what I saw but I hesitated wondering if he was the right person to take this information to. I could see the drawn look on his face and something innately told me to turn around and find Jasper.

"Jasper." I called entering the house.

"What, what is it?" He seemingly appeared out of nowhere. I could read his expression and he was as worried about Bella running off as I was and now I had even more reason to be concerned.

"It's Bella."

"What, what did you see?" He reached for my hand. It was a comfort to have his skin touching mine.

"She was running."

"Running?"

"Yes and she looked horrified and disgusted."

"What?" My mate's face showed utter confusion. "Where is she?"

"In the middle of the forest, it's like she's trying to hide." I told him.

"Have you told Edward?" Jasper questioned me.

"No. I was going to but,"

"But what?" he interrupted me.

"Something tells me that right now you are who she needs." I stroked Jasper's face tenderly.

"Can you help me find her?" He asked me.

"I think I better stay here. I have a feeling that if Edward comes in and finds us both gone it won't be good."

"Don't worry. I'll find her and bring her back." Jasper assured me and I believed him.

**Jasper's POV – **

I hesitated for a moment uneasy about not telling Edward what was going on with Bella. I was well aware of what he thought of my relationship with Bella and I certainly didn't want to add more fuel to that fire. However I trusted Alice's instincts and if she thought I should be the one to go to Bella than that's what I would do. In the whole scheme of things Bella and her needs were what took precedence.

I took off easily following the trail left by her scent; even as a vampire she still had a distinct aroma. I could tell that her original intent had been to hunt since I found myself staying on paths that we had frequented during our pursuit of prey. But then something changed the scent was suddenly mixed with an odor I hadn't smelled in quite some time. It was the scent of wolf and even though it was vague at best it still assaulted my senses and set my defenses on edge as I scanned the surroundings.

Doing what I could to not get caught up in what ifs, I pressed forward in my search for Bella with a sense of urgency yet I stood unmoving for a moment trying to gauge the surroundings and which direction she could have been headed in. It was then that I caught her scent again and made my way through the compact foliage in hopes of finding Bella quickly. If there was even a remote chance what I had smelled back there was true the sooner I found her the better.

I continued making my way through a cluster of pine trees and when I pushed aside a heavy branch there Bella sat like a small frightened child attempting to hide in plain sight.

**Bella's POV – **

I didn't have to look to know that it was Jasper who had found me. A wave of calm washed over me and for a second I felt as though I could breathe again. But that's only how long that feeling lasted a mere second before the reality of what I had done came crashing in on my again. By the pained expression on Jasper's face I was certain he was feeling every ounce of my anguish.

"I'm sorry." I told him softly. Once more I was hurting the one person who had done his best to comfort me. I hated myself which in turn only wounded Jasper all the more. I couldn't win for losing.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He assured me. "I'm just glad I was able to find you. What are you doing way out here?"

He sat down next to me and abruptly I looked away fearing he would see the remnant of Jacob's dried blood on my lips. "There's nowhere else for me to go now." I whispered.

"I don't think I understand." I heard the confusion in his voice.

How could he have not known what I had done? The look on Edward's face said it all and I was sure that he had gone back to report to both Alice and Jasper what a lost cause I was and how he was even more certain now that he had made a mistake in changing me.

"Let me take you back to the house. Nothing can be that bad." If only I could have believed his words.

"Please stop being so kind to me. I don't deserve it." I told him my face still turned away from his.

"Bella, look at me." He implored me yet I remained in the same position. I felt his hand on my shoulder as he spoke again. "Please, please look at me."

I wasn't able to fight against his gifts and even though it was the last thing I wanted to do I turned to face him. Instantly my hands went to my face but he stopped them. "You have nothing to be ashamed of."

I stared at him with disbelief in my eyes. I had so very much to be ashamed of. I had killed Jacob no matter the circumstances I had taken his life. "Yes I do." I countered. "You have no idea what I've done!" I gasped dropping my face into my hands.

"What is that you've done that you think is so horrible that you deserve to be out here all alone?" He asked me in all seriousness.

"I killed." I stopped short as if my brain couldn't form the words for the rest of that sentence.

"What did you kill Bella, a bear, a deer? It's good that you can hunt on your own. It shows that your instincts are strong and you can handle yourself. That's what we have been working towards all this time. That's a good thing."

I wanted to laugh but there was no humor in any of this. Jasper thought I had killed an animal and maybe I had but that animal had a human face and at one time that face had been the face of a friend.

"It wasn't a bear or deer." I said. "I killed Jacob."

Jasper's silence spoke volumes to me. I watched him stare at me. I knew he didn't know what to say to my declaration. I hadn't expected him to.

"Jacob Black? You killed Jacob?"

"Yes."

"Are you alright?" He asked me. I watched him scan my stone like body for some sort of injury.

"No." I answered.

"Where did he hurt you?" Jasper stood pulling me to my feet as well as if he was trying to get a better look at me.

"Didn't you hear me? I killed him!"

"I heard you Bella, but I need to be sure that you haven't been harmed in some way."

"Stop, please!" I pleaded with him. I didn't deserve his concern. I was a monster. I had taken the life of another being and nothing would change that. "I killed him. I couldn't stop myself Jasper. It was like I was outside of myself watching it all happen and before I could do anything it was too late."

"Sometimes our strength gets the better of us." I wondered if Jasper was thinking about the night of my eighteenth birthday when he too didn't know his own strength.

"I stood there watching him and Edward fight…."

"Edward? Edward was with you?" Jasper interrupted me.

"Yea, he came out of nowhere though. He lunged at Jacob and when I saw him starting to faze well all I could think about were all the threats of killing Edward he had made in the past and like I said I just snapped."

"That's understandable Bella. Jacob didn't just abuse you physically he did it mentally too. No one can blame you for what you did."

"Jasper, I didn't just kill him. I fed on him too. I drank human blood and god help me I liked it." My voice sounded tortured even to my ears.

"I understand." Was all he said to me as he took my hand. "Human blood is potent and alluring and given the circumstances I can see why you did what you did."

"NO STOP!" I yelled at him. "STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS OKAY! IT'S NOT OKAY! I'm a monster!"

"You are no such thing!" He retorted at my definition of myself. "Do you think I am a monster?"

"No."

"Well by your definition I should be. I have fed on countless humans and I enjoyed every minute of it. So by your standards I'm a monster just like you think you are."

I had difficulty looking at the gentle man before me and seeing him as fiend. But that didn't stop me from seeing myself as such. And I knew that's how Edward now saw me. "I've failed you all." I said to him.

"How? How have you failed us Bella?" Jasper asked me earnestly. "We are vampires. Vampires drink human blood and typically they enjoy it! You're feelings aren't unusual."

I wished it was that simple. If only I could buy into Jasper's take on things. "I wanted to better. I wanted to prove to Edward that his changing me wasn't a mistake." I gasped.

"I wasn't a mistake Bella."

"It was if I can't be like Edward. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to show him that I could do this and I didn't. I did the exact opposite I showed him first hand that I am weak."

"You are anything but weak. When you were human you were stronger than any I had ever known and now as a vampire you are even stronger. Don't let this one thing take away all that you have accomplished so far."

"All I have accomplished? Are you kidding me?" I asked him incredulously.

"Not at all. Bella you were protecting Edward. And if you factor in the hell that Jacob put you through it stands to reason that your aggression for him would come out full force."

"So it's okay to kill someone as long as it's in the defense of Edward or someone in the family?" I wasn't sure I was able to wrap my head around that. I knew that wasn't something Carlisle would sanction.

"You are missing my point Bella. You didn't just happen to wonder on an innocent hiker and decided to make a meal of him. This situation was completely different as were the circumstances. You can't beat yourself up for any of it not even tasting his blood."

"I don't know." I said running my long slender fingers through my tussled hair.

"Know this, we all have weakness every member of the Cullen Family has had their own battle with the life we lead. I know you think that we haven't but don't delude yourself. I realize that the control that Carlisle has is rare and something to aspire to but don't make it an all or nothing thing. One slip doesn't make you unworthy."

I felt my head spin as I listened to Jasper tell me about the things he had known about Edward's own battle with human blood lust. I was amazed to think that Edward had taken more than a few human lives, even if they were murders and rapists, the dregs of society he had done it just the same. So why in the field had he looked at me with such revulsion? I wondered if I would ever get the chance to ask him or if he would forever avoid me.

"We should get back." Jasper told me. "I'm sure Alice has seen that you're all right but it's better to give an in person appearance."

I looked at his outstretched hand waiting for mine to meet it. I didn't know what to do. A part of me wanted to run in the opposite direction and live a life of a recluse but a larger part of me couldn't imagine leaving any of them behind. So I took Jasper's hand and followed him out of the dark forest.


	14. 12 Brother Against Brother

The Long Way Home: _Brother Against Brother_

**Alice's POV –**

A sense of relief washed over me as the sight of Jasper finding Bella came into view. I hadn't doubted that he would be able to locate her but it was still a relief just the same to know that she was safe and that he would be bringing her home now if I only had the same feeling when it came to Edward. His sudden turn around when it came to finding Bella was short lived and once again he was sulking yet it was somehow different this time I just couldn't put my finger on why.

I pulled the thin curtains away from the window and watched. He stood motionless on the porch staring out into the yard as though he was looking for something. I wondered if he was waiting for Bella to return. What had he known about the vision that I had seen? I wanted to ask him but did I dare approach him.

Admittedly I missed my brother, the brother that he had been. I wanted him back but was at a loss as to how to get that version of him to return. I knew that both Jasper and I had done what we could to make him see reason but all our efforts fell on deaf ears. It was maddening.

Letting the sheers fall covering the window once more I made my way outside to stand beside Edward, I rested my hand gently on his shoulder not knowing what to say but needing him to know that I was there. He turned looking at me with such a haunting expression that I almost shuddered.

**Edward's POV – **

I shoved my fists deep into my pockets in an attempt at stilling the tremors that had overtaken my frame. My anger at my continual inability to protect Bella was about to drive me mad. How was it that no matter what I did or what I tried to do when it came to safeguarding Bella from harm I failed miserably? Today was certainly no exception. The fury that raged within me when I came upon Jacob manhandling Bella still had me seeing red even now. I wanted to kill him and I wished that it had been me to do that not my Bella. The idea that she would have to carry that with her for all eternity sickened me.

I had no doubt that she would feel tremendous guilt over what had happened out in the woods that afternoon. It wouldn't matter to her that the dog got exactly what he deserved all her tender heart would be able to focus on was that she had killed him. That guilt would be just another factor in the long list of things that I had been responsible for Bella having to deal with.

I heard the soft fall of Alice's footsteps on the wooden porch planks and felt her hand on my shoulder. For a moment I kept my gaze trained forward not wanting to reveal my inner turmoil but then I turned and looked at my sister feeling utterly lost and so very much alone.

We settled into an odd silence. I knew from her thoughts she wanted desperately to talk to me or better yet for me to talk to her but I didn't. I remained quiet not wanting to rehash the same old tired arguments.

I was just about to turn and go into the house when in the distance I saw Jasper and Bella emerging from the forest walking hand in hand towards home. I stopped dead in my tracks my gaze never leaving them.

**Jasper's POV – **

We were just about to cross over the threshold of the cover of the forest into the open field that extended out from our new home and I felt Bella hesitate almost pulling against me. I could feel her apprehension. If only she would understand that the expectations she set for herself were far too high.

I hadn't a clue where she had come up with idea that she had to be perfect. I know that when I joined the Cullen Family and adjusted to their unusual diet and lifestyle Carlisle or any of my new family told me that they expected perfection. Even when I faltered and nearly attacked Bella at her birthday party, I was never criticized for my shortcomings. Why did she think that anyone would have done that to her?

If she could only see how truly wonderfully she had been handling all of it. She was unlike any newborn I had ever encountered. She had far more restraint than I thought was possible from a newborn vampire. But somehow that wasn't good enough for her. It was such a shame how much she was torturing herself for no reason.

"It's going to okay." I said looking into her fearful expression.

"I wish that were true." She said to me.

"You are being much too hard on yourself. You need to talk to Edward. You need to find out from him the things he's done in this life. It's not fair of you to think that he's holding you to some standard that he himself wasn't always able to uphold."

I watched her stare wide eyed at me. I could only imagine what was going through her mind but the anxiety that I felt coursing through her told me that she had no intention of taking my advice about talking to Edward. I wanted to shake her if for no other reason than in the hope of dislodging the irrational notions that filled her head.

"He doesn't want to see me." She spoke of Edward.

"How do you know that?" I countered her words.

"You didn't see his face, Jasper. He was repulsed by what I have done." Her voice was nothing more than a strangled cry.

"I don't believe that. I won't." I told her. "Edward loves you."

"Not anymore." I watched as her gaze fell to the ground.

Letting out a heavy sigh I was at a loss for words. I didn't know how to reach her, how to make her understand. I could feel the love that Edward still held for her. It was so strong even if he wasn't letting it out it was still there buried deep beneath the guilt he felt for the part he played in the events of Bella's life. "You're wrong." Was all I said to her before taking her hand again and marching towards the house. It was then that I saw Edward storming his way towards us with Alice nipping at his heels.

**Edward's POV – **

Momentarily I stood halted by what I was witnessing, but it was that sight that propelled me forward with a force from within that I hadn't felt in some time. The picture of Jasper and Bella walking to me hand in hand produced a snarl at the back of my throat.

I didn't care what anyone else thought. I could see with my own eyes what was happening between those two. No one would tell me that Jasper didn't have feelings for Bella and as much as it pained me to think it, it was obvious that Bella was beginning to return those feelings with ones of her own.

I wasn't sure what had finally snapped inside of me but I found myself closing the gap between me and them rapidly. In the distance Alice's voice called after me yet I chose to ignore her knowing full well what was on her mind and I didn't care. This had to stop – whatever was happening between our mates. Mate - that was the first time I had thought about Bella in those terms since her transformation. Could I even call her that now? Had I treated her the way one was supposed to treat a mate? I knew the answer but it wasn't one I was ready to acknowledge yet. So I pressed onward my mind raging all the way.

I could see the startled look on Bella's face when I suddenly appeared before them. Yet it wasn't her reaction I was seeking it was that of Jasper. At first his thoughts held a bit of surprise but then they turned to flabbergasted when I was sure he was feeling the aura that was exuding from my every pore. It pained me to see her grip tighten on my brother's arm with her other hand almost as though she was fearful of me. How could Bella think that I would ever harm her in any way? I shrugged off those thoughts and placed all my focus on Jasper. He was the one I was truly angry with. "How could you?" I spat at him.

I watched him pull back his head as if confused. "How could I what?" he asked me even though he was thinking an entirely different set of thoughts. He was wondering what I was so angry about. He was curious why it wasn't me who had gone after Bella in an effort to comfort her? He was silently cursing me for all the things I had done or better yet hadn't done when it came to Bella. Again I wouldn't allow myself to respond to any of Jasper's unspoken thoughts, but kept my attention centered on what I could see with my own eyes.

"Like you don't know." I announced in a self assured tone. I had not only heard his and Alice's private conversations regarding what I was sure were happening between him and Bella but I read his thoughts as well. I knew what he felt for Bella. I had seen with my own eyes the affection he felt for her. How could he stand before me acting like he didn't understand what I was asking him?

"I'm afraid I don't."

"Jasper?" Bella's soft voice pricked at my ears as she questioned him unsure what was happening between the two of us.

"Everything is fine." I heard him reassure her which only made my anger swell. "Alice," Jasper said looking over my shoulder. "Why don't you take Bella back to the house?" I was certain he could read my emotions and wanted to not expose Bella to the storm that he was sure was about to erupt.

I watched Alice step in front of me. "Bella, let's go home." She said extending her hand to her.

"I want to stay." Bella told her not once dropping her grasp on Jasper's arm.

"So do you believe me now?" I turned questioning my sister directly. How could she deny what was happening right before her eyes? "What more do you have to see to be convinced?"

"There's nothing to see!" she asserted once more.

I watched Bella's eyes as they toggled between the three of us. I had to wonder what she was thinking. I knew by the perplexed look on her face that she was more than a little confused. There was a tug within me that wanted to pull her into my arms and wipe that look of bewilderment from her features however my injured pride would have none of that.

"Tell her Jasper!" I sneered. "Tell your mate that you struggle every day with your want of Bella! Tell her!" I shouted at him.

"WHAT!" he shouted back at me. "That's craziness!"

Immediately Jasper's head filled with his appalled thoughts. He was horrified that I could have thought such a thing. His love for Alice was never ending and all consuming. The idea that he could fall in love with another was ridiculous.

"I love Alice!" Jasper said to me matter of fact. "How could think that I would hurt her that way or you for that matter?" He questioned me flabbergasted.

"I know how intoxicating Bella is." I said. "How could you not want her?" I said almost daring him in a way.

"Because I'm in LOVE with Alice and no matter how much like an ass you have been acting towards Bella lately I know you love her and she you. How could you think I would mess with that?"

"You pushed so hard for her to be one of us. You said that you would change her yourself!"

"Because I knew what losing her would do to you!" He spat back at me. "I was there remember. We all were. We watched what happened to you when you thought you could leave her and that's when she was still alive. I knew you wouldn't survive her death! So I took control and pushed for the only viable solution. That had nothing to do with my wanting Bella and everything to do with wanting to keep my brother a part of the world."

I should have taken Jasper at his word because his thoughts mirrored what he was saying out loud but I wouldn't. There I stood furious and willing to take that fury out on those around me rather than the person who truly deserved that anger – ME.

However I continued to spew my version of how I saw things and Jasper did the same until our voices escalated to the point of shouts that rang through the air.

**Emmett's POV – **

I stopped short when the voices of Edward and Jasper rang out in the distance. By the sounds I was hearing, I wondered if maybe they had come across Jacob's scent trail that Rose and I had been following for a while now. I picked up my pace not wanting to miss out on the all the fun. I wanted my piece of the dog.

I stopped short though when I came into the clearing and the only sight I came upon had nothing to do with Jacob Black. There were Jasper and Edward shouting at one another with Alice and Bella standing in the background watching the scene unfold.

I didn't like what I was witnessing. Something between my brothers was off and the way they were staring one another down told me whatever was going on was far from over.

I pressed my way between Alice and Bella until I was standing in front of the two warring forces. "What the hell's going on?" I barked at the both of them as they were just about to crouch into a fighting stance.

"This in none of your business Emmett!" Edward growled at me never once taking his eyes off his opponent.

"The hell it isn't!" I countered.

"He thinks I'm in love with Bella." Jasper finally answered my question.

"WHAT?" Rosalie's astounded voice echoed through the air.

**Rosalie's POV – **

Emmett and I had crossed the wilderness so many times I had lost count on our hunt for Jacob. We had caught his scent more than a few times but not as strong as this last time. I was ready for our inevitable confrontation when the scent trail disappeared. Emmett and I were both frustrated but when he took off again I thought maybe he had picked up the trail once more. So I took off running behind him yet I hadn't expected the setting in front of me.

There stood my brothers pacing around one another looking for an opportunity to strike. I let my eyes toggle between the other members of my family trying to gauge what the hell was going on. But it was Jasper's words that finally brought all of it into perspective.

_'He thinks I'm in love with Bella.'_

"WHAT?" I heard my voice raise an octave astounded at what I heard fall from Jasper's lips. "Are you kidding me?" I said to anyone who would listen to me.

Rolling my eyes I looked over at Bella who even as vampire was still making trouble for my family. What was it about her that drove the men in my family mad?

"Well?" I said to the two who were ready to pounce on each other fully expecting an answer.

"Rosalie, this has nothing to do with you!" Edward turned speaking to me his eyes full of fury.

"Oh yes it does. You made it my business the minute you decided that you loved Bella and couldn't live without her. You made it ALL," I pointed to the members of our family standing around us, "our business. We have all turned our lives upside down for you and Bella and you stand there ready to fight one of your own because you think he loves Bella. Have you lost your mind?"

"You haven't been here! You haven't seen what I have!" he countered angrily. "He loves her!"

"Of course I love her." I turned and looked as Jasper spoke. "I love her like I love Esme or Rosalie. She's my sister now. Why can't you see that?"

"Because he's Edward." I said truthfully. "Everything is always about Edward, what he wants, what he doesn't want. Get over yourself Edward." I told him. "You get to spend eternity with the one you professed to love more than yourself but instead of enjoying that you're walking around miserable not to mention making everyone else miserable in the process." I was frustrated and irritated and wanted to shake some sense into him.

**Bella's POV – **

Even with my new heightened senses everything around me was happening at too fast of a pace, before I totally understood what was going on I was watching Edward and Jasper literally stalking one another. Edward was shouting absurdities at Jasper while Alice was did what she could to get me to exit the scene but I wasn't having any of that. Something inside me told me that I needed to stay.

Had I heard Edward correctly, did he actually think that Jasper was falling in love with me? That was total craziness. Jasper loved Alice with everything he had. If anything what Jasper felt for me was sheer pity by no means was it love he held for me. But for one reason or another Edward wouldn't let it go. He continued to push his accusations no matter what anyone said.

But I heard Jasper countered with his own, he told Edward that no matter how he might be acting he knew that he loved me. With those words my head shot up. I was looking for Edward's reaction to that. I wanted, needed to see how he would respond would there be even a little glimmer of acknowledgement on his part. If there had I wasn't able to see it since Emmett and then Rosalie's sudden entrance surprised me.

I hung back once more listening to the exchange between the members of my new family. It was easy to see that Emmett was troubled by what he came upon and well Rosalie was true to form and thought nothing about putting Edward in his place. However none of that did much to calm the rising tensions between Jasper and Edward. I wasn't able to tear my eyes away from them as they continued circling one another each of them waiting for the other to pounce.

It wasn't until Edward jutted forward towards Jasper that I was finally able to move. "STOP!" I shouted at both of them as I pushed my body between the two warring forces. "STOP IT!"


	15. 13 It's Always Been You

The Long Way Home: _It's Always Been You_

**Bella's POV – **

I thrust my arms out from my sides forcing Edward and Jasper apart as I stepped between them. "STOP!" I yelled. "STOP IT!" I watched as both of them were taken by surprise at my actions since up until that point I had hung back basically out of harm's way. For once I didn't immediately feel Jasper's calming effects. I assumed that he was having too much difficulty controlling his own emotions to be overly concerned with anyone else's. I did however give him a sympathetic look as if to say I was sorry for all of this. I hated to admit it but Rosalie was right, I was still causing trouble for them all even though I was now a vampire. "That's enough. Both of you!" I said pushing against Edward's hardened chest. It was easy to see he wasn't quite ready to give up his fight.

"I've had about all I can take of this." Jasper said turning to look at me his eyes blazing.

It was odd for me to see him displaying anything but his typical calm demeanor. I wondered for a second if maybe this was more of what he had been like before he had met Alice and joined the Cullens. I reached out to him instinctively touching his shoulder wanting to offer him some sort of comfort. He had done so much for me in these past months that it pained me to think of all that he had endured and not just from me I thought as my eyes turned to look at Edward. I could tell that my attempt at soothing Jasper only caused more anger within him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to suffer all of this for doing nothing more than being my friend and helping me."

"You," Jasper stressed to me, "have nothing to be sorry for!" I saw him look over my shoulder his eyes boring holes into Edward's frame.

"I know you believe that." I countered, "But if I hadn't been so needy none of this would be happening." I knew it was true. If I had been able to handle Edward's rejection better or if I had been able to handle my transformation better there would have been no need for Jasper to continually be by my side.

"You aren't to blame for any of this." Jasper told me. "I have told you repeatedly how wonderfully you have been handling all of this. Each of us needed assistance and guidance to navigate our way into this life. That's all I have been doing for you this entire time."

"I know that Jasper and I can't thank you enough." I said smiling at him. He was a true friend and it was hard to believe there was a time when he wanted to kill me. I almost giggled at the thought but stopped myself knowing it wasn't appropriate given the circumstances.

I felt Edward inching forward. It was easy to tell that he had yet to get his anger in check and the sentimental exchange Jasper and I were having wasn't helping matters much. "Edward, enough already!" I turned and stared him down. I was torn suddenly, angry at him for what he was doing and had been thinking but also delighted that something concerning me was finally getting a reaction from him.

"This is between me and Jasper." He informed me.

"No it's not." I announced. "It's about me and you. Jasper's just the distraction you are using at the moment to get around the obvious." I shocked myself with those words. I hadn't expected to say them out loud even though I had been thinking them.

"That's ridiculous!" Edward shot back at me but there was something behind his blackened eyes that told me otherwise.

"No what's ridiculous is you thinking that Jasper is in love with me or that I have feelings of love for him. Edward, it's always been you! I have loved you always; even when you left me and I turned to Jacob there was a part of my heart, a huge part that always belonged to you. But you have made it nearly impossible for me since my change!" I said with an exasperated voice.

**Edward's POV – **

I watched the tender exchange between my love and my brother. That scene fueled my rage more than I had wanted it to. I had known all along that Bella was caring and always put the needs of others before her own and what she was saying to Jasper just now illustrated that to perfection. However the rational side of my brain would have none of that explanation all I could focus on was the gentle way she spoke to him and the caring way she looked at him. But it was Bella's declaration that finally shocked me into stillness.

She told me that it had always been me, that she had always loved me even when I left her she still loved me. That was difficult for me to comprehend. I had hurt her so badly by my taking off that it was hard to imagine even in that time her heart still harbored love for me. Or even still after had I had taken away her choice and changed her when she had no voice to say different. Yet now looking into her face I could finally see what all my angst had been clouding. Bella loved me.

I also recognized now how I had indeed made it nearly impossible for her to continue loving me since her transformation. I hadn't given her a thing to hold onto. I had slipped away getting lost in my torment, torment of my own making, instead of being by her side as I had promised to be. It was as though a light bulb had clicked off in my brain and all those things I had heard and been told about how my actions were effecting Bella finally rang true. If I hadn't been so lost in my own guilt, I would have been able to see what was right in front of me the whole time.

I found it all of the sudden difficult to look in Jasper's direction. I had done everything in my power to push her away and where else did she have to go but to him? Rather than thanking him for being able to do what I could not I used him and his _'feelings'_ for Bella as an excuse to keep pushing her further and further away. No wonder Alice thought I had gone mad. In some odd sense I had.

I looked up at Bella still digesting her proclamation of love for me. This was one of the first times since her change that I had allowed myself to be this close to her for this length of time and it felt good to be near her again even if I wasn't sure where we were to go from here it still was comforting to have her within my reach.

I wasn't sure what her reaction would be but I spoke to her just the same. "Would you walk with me?" I asked her.

She turned and looked at Jasper who in turn quickly nodded his head. And this time their exchange didn't upset me but rather I understood and dipping into Jasper's thoughts I knew that he was delighted that I had finally come to my senses or at least he assumed I had.

I extended my hand in front of us offering her to take the lead and she accepted. Looking back at the remaining members of my family all in varying stages of happiness and confusion, I hoped that I had the strength to correct yet another wrong I had committed against Bella – I couldn't help but wonder if I hadn't already reached the three strikes you're out rule.

I shrugged off those thoughts, gently touched the small of Bella's back and followed her forward.

**Bella's POV-**

Jasper smiled slightly and nodded his head when I turned and asked my silent question with my eyes. We had gotten very skilled at reading one another and he knew what I wanted to know without ever having to hear me say the words. So when Edward put his hand out I stepped forward knowing what I wanted to happen between us yet completely unsure what would happen.

I took one brief glance back at the others as they started to move away from us. Jasper and Alice were holding hands smiling, looking giddy almost and Emmett and Rosalie followed behind holding hands both of their faces holding rather puzzled looks. Who could blame them really after the strange scene and even stranger explanation they had come upon?

It was then I felt the light touch of Edward's hand on my back. It stunned me for a moment. It had been such a long time since he had allowed any physical contact between the two of us. I knew I had missed his touch but up until that instant I hadn't truly realized how much. If I hadn't been so taken by the fact that Edward had actually dared to touch me I might have concentrated more on how different his touch felt. Once there would have been a distinct coldness, almost numbing effect but now all I could feel was his hand against the small of my back. It felt the way any human to human contact would have felt – touch to touch. I smiled slightly at that thought for the first time truly feeling the genuine sensation of Edward's touch.

"Thank you for joining me." Edward's soft voice pulled me from my thoughts. "I certainly haven't given you much reason to."

I turned sideways looking at his despondent expression unsure of how to respond. I could have easily said that I would follow him anywhere because at one time that had been true and in essence it was still true yet at the moment there was a part of me that was guarded when it came to him. "There is no reason to thank me." I told him. "You wanted to talk with me?" I asked him suddenly fearful of what was on his mind.

"Yes." I heard the hesitation in his tone but it was when he pulled his hand away from my back that the chill ran up my already frozen spine.

I stood in front of him waiting to hear what he wanted to tell me. The silence that fell between us was deafening. I fidgeted a bit as I cataloged the list of offenses I had committed since becoming a vampire. I could only imagine that's what Edward was trying so delicately to come up with a way to discuss with me. The awkward silence between us was more than enough to drive me mad. I wanted him to just get it over with already. I needed to know where we stood with one another.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" I finally found the courage to say.

It was now his turn to fidget which only heightened my anxiety. "I'm not even sure where to begin." He said truthfully. "I have let you down again. I am forever doing that, Bella." His voice expressed his anguish. "I don't deserve you. I never have." He turned his head away unable to continuing looking at me.

"Stop." I told him forcing his eyes to meet mine. "You can't keep doing this. I love you. I have always loved you. Why isn't that enough?" My voice carried its own angst.

"You've always been enough, Bella. It's I who hasn't. I have caused you nothing but trouble…."

"That's so not true," I cut him off mid sentence. "You have saved me over and over again."

"Saved you from situations that I, what I am, created. And now I have taken away your life without giving you a choice." The tortured look on Edward's face broke my hardened heart.

"That's only how you see it." I stressed. "It's not I how do. You saved me Edward. You gave me the life I wanted except that suddenly you weren't a part of it." My voice caught in my throat as I reached for his hand trying to show him how much I loved and needed him. I saw his amber eyes widen suddenly staring at me with sheer surprise on his face.

**Edward's POV –**

I listened to Bella as she tried to reason with me. She was telling me all the things that Alice and Jasper had already said time and time again. Standing there staring at her, I so desperately wanted to believe her words, but words not always revealed the truth that I knew all too well. Perhaps she was just trying to alleviate my guilt but saying what she thought I wanted or needed to hear.

Hearing her strangled voice as she told me that I gave her the life she always wanted expect that I was no longer a part of it tore at me but when it was when she took my hand in hers that things suddenly changed. Lacing her fingers with mine suddenly I was able to read her thoughts. I felt my eyes grow large unable to believe that I could finally hear her.

"Edward?" her questioning voice broke my trance.

"Yes love?" I replied still not completely in the present. All I could concentrate on was the confusion that reigned in her thoughts.

"What's wrong? What's happened?"

"I can hear you."

"Of course you can." She told me not understanding the meaning of my statement.

"No, I can hear your thoughts."

I watched her eyes grow wide now in disbelief. "Really?" she sounded as stunned as I felt.

"Yes."

"How?"

"I'm not sure." I told her but I had an idea. I believed it had something to do with the touch of our hands. I knew that Aro from the Voltri had a similar gift that by a single touch of a person's hand he could read every thought that he or she had ever had. I pulled my hand out of hers to test my theory. Instantly there was silence.

"Edward?" she said again puzzled I was sure.

"It appears that the touch of your hand to mine allows me to read your thoughts."

She clasped her hand securely in mine again and I was bombarded by so many of her thoughts. It took me a few moments to organize them in some sort of order. This was so different than just hearing them. It was overpowering or maybe it was just the way Bella was rapidly thinking so many things that was making it difficult to get a handle on things.

It was hearing her thoughts of how much she loved me that finally broke through my guilt. She was actually thanking me for saving her, changing her. I looked as she smiled softly at me. But it was the other things that she thought that pained me. Bella feared that she wasn't worthy of being a Cullen and that her thoughts of human blood disappointed me. She truly believed that I couldn't love her because of those struggles.

I stroked her cheek with my free hand. How could I have ever let her think that I could do anything but love her? I struggled again with my guilt that wanted to consume me but this time I took control of it and pushed it to its proper place. "I have loved you always." I declared tenderly.

"And I you." She said aloud even though her thoughts confirmed the very thing.

I finally understood the depth of just how much she wanted to be with me forever. How she was willing to leave everyone and everything she knew to have a life eternal with me. It amazed me how strongly she truly felt for me. I wasn't sure what I did to deserve such devotion, especially after all that I had done to harm her.

Her thoughts suddenly bounced to that afternoon in the field. She was all consumed by what she had done, that she had killed Jacob. She was disgusted by it. Again I heard her worry about being a disappointment to me for not being able to control herself. She had killed a human – drank from him. How could she ever be part of my family knowing what she had done?

"He deserved what he got." I said without reservation. "If you hadn't killed him, one of us would have. Emmett and Rosalie had been hunting him. It would have only been a matter of time before they found him."

"I wanted to be better." She said to me.

"Better than what?" I asked her not sure what she meant.

"I wanted to be like you."

"I'm not as perfect as you would believe. There was a time when I rebelled against Carlisle's ways. I was upset with him for taming my appetite and I left him for a time. I have drank human blood Bella so I am not as flawless as you thought."

"I wanted to show you that your changing me wasn't a mistake. I wanted you to see that I could be a part of your world."

I knew she thought I believed my changing her had been an error, that's why I had stayed away from her because I couldn't bear the idea of her being like me. That I didn't want her now that she was a vampire. She didn't know how wrong she was. "I didn't regret changing you, Bella. I only regretted the circumstances under which it happened. I took away your choice."

"But you didn't." she cut me off. "You gave me what you knew I wanted. I wanted to be with you forever."

"I know." I said finally truly believing that. "Yet how it happened, that you couldn't say for yourself that that's exactly what you wanted. How could I be sure that you weren't angry with me for what I had done?"

"You would have known if you bothered to find out instead of just thinking you knew." The truth to her words stung. She was right. I had done this to us. I had allowed my own guilt and what I thought I knew get in the way of what was.

"I am sorry." I knew those words sounded hollow but I was sorry and would spend eternity making it up to her if she would let me. "Bella, I love you and I always have. I just never wanted to damn you the way I was. I wanted more for you."

"I know, but what about what I wanted? This is what I have wanted since that night at prom. I have wanted to be like you for no other reason than to be with you forever. I love that much Edward. I can't imagine my life without you in it."

"Nor can I without you in mine." I agreed. "Can you ever forgive me for all of the foolish things I have done and said?"

"Only if you can forgive me for what I have done." I knew she was talking about killing Jacob Black and for me that wasn't even something that was worth thinking about. I meant it when I said I believed he got what he deserved no matter who had taken the action. In fact I found it very fitting that it was Bella who had disposed of him given all he had done to her.

"There's nothing to forgive."

"Edward," I heard the hesitation in her tone and could read her thoughts that she was still leery of being worthy of being a part of my family. She still feared her hunger for human blood would be problematic.

"I promise you." I began, "I will be with you every step of the way. The way it should have been from the minute you awoke to this life. Together we will make sure that the remainder of your transition is smooth. I promise you Bella, I will NEVER fail you again."

"I love you, Edward Cullen." She said softly before bringing her lips to mine.

This was the first time that I kissed her without hesitation or holding a single emotion back. For a second we devoured one another all the while still holding hands allowing me to read each of her thoughts. I smirked at her when we finally parted. "My my Miss Swan you are a naughty one." She returned my comment with a giggle and once more I kissed her lips softly. I finally felt at peace and knew without a shadow of a doubt that Bella did as well.

"Seriously though," I heard her begin. "What if I am not able to control my urges? Out here in the middle of nowhere it's been difficult enough. I can't imagine what how it will be as we begin moving closer to civilization."

"Maybe we need to go back to Forks." I told her.

"What?" she sounded totally shocked by the idea.

"Hear me out." I said. "I think that we need Carlisle's guidance and wisdom. Each of us has had the benefit of his insight and understanding. You shouldn't be kept from that. It's unfair to you.

"Go back to Forks?" I could tell the idea frightened her but there was no doubt in my mind that that's what we should do, all of us. We needed the strength that being together as a family provided us, Bella especially needed that. Alice and Jasper had done a great job helping her so far but there was just something about Carlisle's calming ways that I knew she needed.

I reached for her hand again loving that now I had access to her inner thoughts. Instantly I was bombarded by her intense fears of what going back to Forks meant. "There is no need to worry. You will be fine. We all will make sure of it. Yes, even Rosalie." I smiled at her as she thought about how Rosalie wouldn't be so willing to offer her assistance when it came to anything having to do with her. "I promise." I reassured her.

"I don't know." She replied her voice still full of hesitation.

"I'm not saying we stay in Forks forever. I know that would be far too difficult on you, but right now I can't ignore the fact that we need Carlisle and Esme." I added knowing that she had been Bella's surrogate mother and right now a mother's love and acceptance was something she so very much needed.

"What if someone sees me?"

"They won't. I will make sure of that. Do you trust me?" I asked right away fearing her answer. I certainly hadn't given her much reason to so in quite some time.

"Yes." She answered me without delay. "Yes, I trust you."

"Then let's go back to the others and tell them that we want to go back to Forks." I decided that for once I wouldn't be making any edicts that the family needed to follow. I would tell them that Bella and I would be returning to Forks to be with Carlisle and Esme but what they decided to do would be their decisions. I was sure I knew what Alice and Jasper would choose but as for Emmett and Rosalie well that was up in the air still. I wanted us to all be together but was slowly learning that everything wasn't always about me.

"I love you, Edward Cullen."

Bella's words caused my unneeded breath to hitch in my throat. It was still difficult for me to truly believe that I deserved her or that she didn't blame me for everything that had happened in her life. "I love you too, Ms. Swan." Gently I kissed her cheek and took her hand in mine as we began making our way back to our family.


	16. 14 Full Circle

The Long Way Home: _Full Circle_

**Bella's POV –**

We had been back in Forks for a few weeks now and even though I had my reservations about returning I had to admit that Edward had been right. It was a great comfort to have both Carlisle and Esme around. I had spent a great deal of time talking to Carlisle about his own transformation and the desires that had brought him to the alternative diet we now all survived on. In his hundreds of years of existence he had never once tasted a drop of human blood; I was in awe of that. It amazed me that Carlisle had not once given in to the desires that drove all of us and the fact that he did it with no guidance what so ever was truly astounding.

I personally still struggled with my thoughts of human blood. Sometimes it was like I could still taste Jacob's blood on my tongue. I knew I couldn't but in those times when my yearnings would get the better of me my mind would play tricks on me. Yet even with all my inner battles I somehow found a way to resist those tempting thoughts and I was proud of the progress I had made. I still hadn't been around a great many humans given the fact that the people of Forks thought I was dead and milling around among them wasn't an option I still felt as if when the time came I would be able to handle myself and I knew that I had the family, especially Edward, to help me navigate it all.

It's funny how a few weeks had changed everything. Edward and I had settled into our lives together as if there had never once been a void between us. I was totally secure in his love for me and he in mine for him. I knew he enjoyed now being able to read my thoughts. It gave him comfort to know that the words that escaped my lips were the same as the thoughts in my head. I personally thought that he should have known that either way but then again we were talking about Edward.

"Are you ready?" Carlisle asked me.

"Yes." I answered him.

In the cover of the darkness of the night sky provided Carlisle and I made our way to the cemetery. "Here we are." Carlisle said stopping before the gray marble headstone.

_Isabella Marie Swan  
1994 – 2012  
"Loving daughter and friend"_

It was very surreal for me standing there in front of my grave maker. It was sort of like a strange dream of sorts but I knew it really wasn't. I would have physically died that day so no matter what there would have been a grave for me but it just felt odd to actually be staring at it.

"Are you all right?"

I nodded my response to Carlisle's question. Technically I was fine however suddenly it hit me with brute force that there was no going back now – my life had truly changed. When we had been in Canada I hadn't really thought about how different things would be because while we were there it was just the four of us and well thoughts of my old life was the last thing on my mind. Now though that old life was staring me square in the face. I tried not to think of all the things I could never do again, but that was easier said than done. The idea of never being able to see Renee again tugged at me. I smiled thinking about her and how she used to tell me what an old soul I was when I was feeling more like the adult in our relationship than the child. I would miss her and her scattered sense of things. Then there were my high school friends especially Angela and even Mike Newton. They had all so easily accepted me into their group the minute I arrived at Forks High School. Even though I had Alice, Jasper, Emmett and even Rosalie now there was still something about Angela and the others friendships I would miss even if I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I wrapped my arms around myself as thoughts of Charlie poked at me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't push them into the outer reaches of my expansive mind. I hadn't realized how much I missed having him in my life until I had come to live with him. I half grinned thinking how inept he was in the kitchen. I spent so much time wondering how he had survived before I arrived. In some ways I think I took care of both of my parents rather than them taking care of me but none of that mattered now. All of that was over – gone for good. There was a huge part of me that was incredibly sad. I had indeed gotten what I wanted; an eternal life with Edward, but there was still a part of me that wished it could have had it both ways. I hung my head trying to clear my bleary thoughts.

"Bella, are you sure you're all right?" Carlisle asked me putting his hand gently on my shoulder.

"I thought I was." I answered turning to face him. "Being here, in Forks, it's much harder than I thought it would be."

"Of course it is." He agreed with me. "We don't have to stay if it's too difficult for you."

"I couldn't ask everyone to move again, not just for me. And the hospital, you just got your job back not that long ago."

"I put in my resignation the day that Edward called and told me you were all coming home. I knew that there was no way we could stay in Forks indefinitely. It's just not feasible given the circumstances."

"I hate it that I am always the reason that the family's lives get turned upside down." I told him exasperated.

"You're not." He tried to assure me. "We made this decision together as a family. It's time for us to move on and begin again."

"Do you think I am ready?" I questioned him.

"You are as ready as you will ever be. I won't lie Bella; it's still going to take effort on your part. Jasper can attest to that, but I feel confident that you will be able to adjust and eventually be totally at ease around humans."

"I hope you are right."

"I know I am." He smiled at me and took my hand in his. "You ready to head home?"

"I think so."

I turned and took one last look at my headstone and silently said goodbye to the girl I once had been before heading toward the gated cemetery entrance when Edward was now standing. Upon reaching him, Carlisle slipped my hand into his and I felt Edward give mine a gentle squeeze and smiled slightly at me.

Yes one part of my life was closing. But looking into Edward topaz eyes full of love I was all of the sudden secure in knowing that I was about to begin living the eternal life with Edward I had always wanted. I kissed him softly on the cheek before we followed Carlisle to his awaiting car.


	17. Thank You

Thank You

I wanted to let everyone who has read this story and left feedback and reviews how grateful I am for that. It's great to know that when as a writer you put something down on paper that people enjoy it and want more.

It was my hope that THE LONG WAY HOME was as satisfying to the readers as QUIET RAGE. I will be penning other Bella and Edward stories and it's my hope that those that I have read my previous stories will follow me into my next creations.

Thank you again.


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